Only When I Breathe
by TVaddict023
Summary: Everyone reacts differently to a tradegy, I lost myself, but its okay, cuz it only hurts when I breathe. Naley. Haleys point of view
1. Memories

A/N: Hey, this is a new story that just popped into my head so I had to write it. If you read my other fic, Black Tears, this is not a sequel, but a new idea. It is a Naley story since I love them together. Please review, I love to read the feedback!

I do not own the characters or any songs in this story.

Chapter One – Memories

I didn't use to be like this, I was happy once, I was fun and I would laugh. But that was then. It's hard to describe, the change, but it's not hard to figure out why. When there's a tragedy everyone reacts differently, some people cry nonstop, some people go into denial, and some get angry. I guess I did them all, at first I was in denial, there was just no way that it was real. I had talked to her two days ago, she wasn't dead. But then it sunk in and it killed. The pain got to be so much that I could barley handle it. I cried all the time, and when I want crying I was sleeping. But eventually my tears dried up and I didn't cry anymore. But it went further than that, I didn't do anything, all I did was sit in silence and stare off into space. I cut off all of my ties with my friends and would completely ignore my family. I would just sit up in my room. I still do that now, that where I am sitting here in my room. I write songs here, it's the only thing that really helps, putting my words into song. I like to do it, I don't even really know why. I was never into singing before. I was always a dancer. I loved dancing; it was her that got me into dancing. It was our thing, but when she died it didn't feel right to dance anymore, so I found a new way to express myself. Through my music.

I can tell that people think that I am crazy, but that's because they don't know. Nobody does, not even Lucas. I couldn't tell people that she died because they didn't know her, and I didn't want the fake sympathy. Not to mention the fact that it hurts to talk about her. I can think about her, but talking makes it so real. After I saw how fake my family's reactions were, I just couldn't bare to tell anyone else.

She was special to me, she was my best friend. She didn't live in Tree Hill though, I only knew her because we went to a dance camp together when we were really little. We were five to be exact and she was my first friend, well the first friend that I met on my own anyway. Her name was Tina and she was the nicest person that I have ever met, but if someone starting talking shit, especially about a friend of hers she would call them on it and give them hell. I never talked about her in Tree Hill, ever. She was kind of like a secret, like a long lost sister or something, and she brought out a whole different side of me. My wild side, as she referred to it. I wasn't out of control or anything, but I would just be carefree and have a good time. No one else has ever made me feel like that . I don't think anyone ever will.

Tina was someone I will never forget, and I know that it wasn't here time to go yet, which just makes it that much harder to handle. She should have live, it should have been me that died, but she just kept insisting on driving. I remember that day like it was yesterday, even though it has been 7 months. I know it's been a long time, but I cant shake it, I haven't made any progress. I just shrunk back into myself and hide out in my room. People wonder what happened, Lucas still tries to talk to me, but I just tell him that I want to be alone, everytime. I know that it hurts him, but I can't get pasted what happened. Now the memories playing, just like always, and I cant breathe.

_"Haley, please let me drive, you always drive." I smiled up at her, she is crazy. _

_"Why do you want to drive so badly, we both know what I am a much better driver." _

_"That is not true, but anyway it doesn't matter, I just feel like driving." I signed dramatically and handed her the keys, she always love to drive, she said that the rush speeding the highway gave her a natural high, or something like that. We were on a quiet street, driving along at ten o'clock, it was still early so we were trying to decide what to do with the rest of the night. We were going at the speed limit, and Tina was paying close attention to the road. It shouldn't have happened. _

_The road was empty, but suddenly a car came barreling down on the other side of the road. It was swerving like crazy. It evened out and we thought that it was some kids fooling around. We were wrong. The other car swerved majorly and smashed into the driver's side of the car. I was knocked unconscious and woke in a hospital bed to find out that Tina had died on impact._

"It should have been me." I wipe a tear from my eye was the memory plays in my head. I don't think I will ever get passed this. I'm not even sure that I want to. I feel like moving on isn't fair to Tina, she doesn't have the chance to move on. I quietly strum in the strings of my guitar trying to find the chord I want for the song that I am writing. I have only the first few lines,

I Played the fool today

And I Can see us vanishing into the crowd

Longing for home again

But home Is a feeling I buried in you

Those are the only few lines that I have but I will soon have more. But not now because I have to go to school. I hate it there. The teachers noticed my change and are still trying to bring me out of it. It's horrible to get fake sympathy and help. The only teacher who really tries to help me is Ms. Kurzman; she is a really sweet lady. She doesn't try to force me to talk about my "problems" she just helps me keep my grade up. She is my Chemistry teacher and it appears that I am failing that, so she offered me a way to raise the grade, I have to tutor someone in Math and English, two classes that I still have A's in without putting much effort in. Unfortunately I have to meet my student today.

Its fourth period and its my free block, finally! But of course I start tutoring today so I don't get to have this block to myself like usual. I guess that is a good thing because I don't think that I could handle having time to think about Tina today. It's been exactly seven months and I feel like even my memories of her are beginning to fade away.

The door opens and in walks my student, Nathan Scott. I am disappointed I have to say, he is Lucas's half brother but they are sworn enemies and back when Lucas and me were close, I hated Nathan too. I don't want to tutor him, not today, he is a cocky son of a bitch and I don't wan to deal with him. He sits down and smirks. The smirk reminds me of one Tina used to do before we did something crazy. I want to slap it off his face. Ohh he so better not make me angry, cuz he will defiantly regret it.

Thank you so much for reading my story, I really apprecaite it. I will try to update quickly, please reply!


	2. What Time Can't Heal

A/N: Thank you to othandscottluver - I am so glad you like my story, and to jacqueline22393 - I know that it is sad, but it will have happy parts I promise! I really appreaciate your replies, It means a lot that you took the time to do that. Hope this update was soon enough for you!

Chapter Two – What Time Can't Heal

"Hey, I'm Nathan, as you probably know and you're my tutor, lucky you." He is smirking again; I am just going to have to wipe that smirk off of his face.

"Okay, first of all, you are not gods gift to earth so stop acting like it, second of all, I will not, put up with your bull shit, if you give it to me I will throw it back in your face, so shut up and get ready to learn." He isn't smirking anymore, thank god.

"Wow, you sure changed from when you used to be Lucas friend."

"Nathan, I am your tutor, meaning that I am in charge right now, so, instead of making little comments just take out your math book and can it!" He looks almost upset now, but only for a second, and then he starts to talk again.

"Geez, who died and made you Queen of the world," Oh no. He didn't. He did not make a joke about death, not today, not on the seven-month anniversary of the death of my best friend. He is in so much trouble.

"Nathan Scott, you may think that you are some funny, perfect, smug little man, but let me tell you something. I am not someone you want to mess with, and don't you ever, DON'T YOU EVER talk about things that you don't know about. Today is not the day to make me mad Nathan, because I will rip you to shreds and then put you together so I can do it again." I am inching nearer and nearer to him and he has a look of terror and confusion on his face but I do not care. I am pissed and have been holding in the rage for too long. I have been pushed over the edge, and it fells good. Yelling feels good, and god, I want to keep on yelling. "I know that you think that you own this school and can get away with anything, but in here, you cant. I wont let you toy with my mind and my emotions. Save you B.S. for one of your whore cheerleaders, because I don't want it near me. I am here to teach you math and English, not to have you throw dumba comments at me. Do you get it? DO YOU?" I stop talking and breathe heavy. I haven't felt this vindicated since Tina died. I felt anger, but more than that I felt free and I liked it.

I straighten my clothes and notice that Nathan is staring at me in shock. He is speechless. I guess anyone would be. I have barley said a word in 7 months and now I have a major outburst at what seemed to be an innocent comment. I actually feel bad. He probably didn't deserve all of that. I just needed to vent. I guess I just needed to express some kind of emotion. And now I have to express another. I can't help it as the tears start to stream down my face. What the hell? I don't cry, I haven't in a long time. I guess that's why it feels so good, cuz its been pent up inside for so long.

"I'm sorry Nathan, I didn't mean to pick on you, I didn't mean what I said, and you just hit a nerve. I am so sorry, please say that you forgive me, please?" I feel like a little girl again and all I want is a hug. I want someone to just scoop me up into their arms and make me feel safe.

Its like Nathan can read my mind or something because the next thing I know he is holding me in his arms and whispering, "Its okay, I forgive you, It'll be okay" In my ear. I don't know why he even cares; maybe he has a heart after all. I can't help but notice that I believe what he is saying, and that he is the first person that has hugged me and made me feel safe since Tina died. That scares me, I mean first I'm screaming and then I'm crying, two things I haven't done in almost 7 months, and now I am letting Nathan Hug me? I cant handle this, I cant let myself feel safe in his arms, its not right.

I hop up and grab my books sprinting out of the room. I have stopped crying but it is really obvious that I had been. I ran without looking until I bumped into someone sending us both onto our butts with papers everywhere. I looked up and came face to face with Brooke. Great this is not what I need. We had gotten close the year before, but it all changed when Tina died. I know that Brooke doesn't understand why I became a shell of my former self, and I don't blame her. I gave her no way of knowing what happened.

"Sorry Brooke, I should've watched where I was going." She looked at me and then frowned.

"Are you okay, you look like you've been crying." I know that she is trying to help, but I don't want her, or anyone else to get into my business. I haven't talked to her in half a year and all of a sudden she wants just ask me a personal question like that. She can't do that.

"Ya, Brooke I m fine." I hope that she will take the hint and leave me alone. Brooke never was that bright.

"Are you sure Haley, because I am here if you need me." She has no right to act like she cares. It's been too long. I feel the anger boiling again and I feel powerful from it. I feel like I am in control. I like to be in control.

"Brooke, just because I walk into you in the hallway doesn't mean that I need you to help me okay. I am fine, and even if I wasn't I wouldn't turn to you for help. We haven't talked in a really long time and that is working for me so lets just leave it alone, okay?" I know that I sound mean, but I don't care, I really like to yell now it fells good to let it all out. Brooke looks sad, and I feel a little bit bad, but I mean really, she had it coming anyway.

Brooke never was one to just take things lying down, she always has to fight back, and I guess that's how she will always be. It's her defense mechanism, if someone hurts her; she hurts them back so that she doesn't have to dwell on what they said.

"Haley, what makes you think I want to help someone as pathetic as you. I mean for the past 6 months acting like a zombie. You used to be this perfect person so full of life and now, what are you? Nothing, you are nothing Haley; you don't even talk that much anymore. Now, all of a sudden you decide to come back down to the planet earth and have emotions again. That is bull Haley. I don't want to help you, no one does, because Haley, you're just not worth it, and you deserve to be alone." I look at Brooke, and can feel the pain surging through my entire body. She is right, I do deserve this. I am why Tina is dead right now. It should have been me. I mean just said it out loud; I am not worth anything and deserve to be alone. She is right for once; I shouldn't get to be happy, because Tina never can be again.

I can't help the tears that pour down my face. I see that Brookes face softens and I know that she wants to apologize, but I really don't want to hear it. "You're right Brooke, I do deserve this, I deserve to be in pain." I whisper it, but I know she hears it. I know that Nathan did too, since he is standing in the hall near us. Her face crumples up into confusion not understanding what I m talking about.

"What's your fault?" I don't even answer I just get up and run, not even bothering to grab my books this time. I run towards the exit and hear three people following me. I push open the doors and the freezing air slaps me in the face. It is lightly snowing but I don't care. I dint need to fell my feet to know where there taking me. I have to see her; I have to see her now. I can't get there though, and I know that her gravestone is three towns over and I don't have a chance of getting there on foot. I fall to the ground beside the road and just cry. I cry for Tina, I cry for me, and for all of the people that I've hurt.

I close my eyes and can see Tina's face right before the crash. I hate her; I hate her, why did she leave? I look up to the sky and start to scream at it. "Why, Why did you have to drive huh? It should've been me. Are you listening God, you took the wrong girl! I am right here so take me, please! I want to go too. It's not fair, she didn't deserve this." I am crying so hard now that I can barley speak. I pick up a stick and hurl it at a tree. Then I run to the tree and start to kick it and punch it. "It's not fair, it's not fair." I say it over and over again as I punch the tree repeatedly.

"Stop it, Haley Stop!" I turn at the sound of Nathan's voice and see Brooke and Lucas are with him. "It's okay Haley just calm down." I laugh, but it's not a joyous laugh, but a dark one, a mad one.

"No, Nathan it's not going to be okay. I can't just snap my fingers and change it okay." Nathan doesn't say anything but Lucas does.

"Haley, tell me what happened I can help you." I look at him and shake my head. He always has to be the hero. He has to save everybody else. He walks toward me to hug me but I take a step back. He sighs and takes a step back himself.

"I don't need you're help, I am not some charity case, okay, just leave me alone. Please!" Brooke and Lucas exchange a look and then slowly turn away. I look at Nathan waiting for him to leave too, but he doesn't.

"I'm not leaving Haley, I want to help you. I know you hate me and that we don't know each other, but maybe that's a good thing, that way we don't expect anything. We can't be disappointed." I look up at him with tears shining in my eyes and walk over and hug him. I don't really know why I trust him like I do. I barley know him, but all I do know is that he is the only one to make me feel even a little happy and cared about since Tina, and that is not a feeling I am willing to give up.

A/N: Thanks for reading! I hope that you enjoyed it, please give honest feedback, even if you hated it! Thank you! I ll update as soon as I can!


	3. What Was Never Said

Thank You so much for the replies! I am glad that you like my story! Her is the next chapter!

Chapter Three-What Was Never Said

I wanted to come here so badly earlier. It was so important to me. I even tried to run here, but as I am walking through the graveyard I don't know if I can handle being here after all. I take a deep breath before sitting down next to Tina's grave. I read the inscription. _"To our beautiful daughter, her smile that brightened so many days will be in our minds forever. May she rest in peace." _I smile as I remember one of Tina's favorite things to say, especially to try and make me smile.

"_A smile is like a painting, it is beautiful and means more than a thousand words."_

"_Wow Tina, that was…deep, where did you come up with that." She flashed me her beautiful smile and shrugged her shoulders. _

"_I don't know, you know me Haley, I just come up with things out of the blue." _

"_You're crazy do you know that?"_

"_Of course, but that's what makes you love me so much." _

I come out of the memory as a tear runs down my cheek. I remember her funeral so clearly. No one there knew me, or had any idea why I was there. She never talked about me to her friends, like I never talked about her. I hate this. Having to talk about her in the past tense, it is just so wrong. I haven't talked to her parents since the day after she died. I tried to talk to them at the funeral, but it was too hard. For all of us. I

I still see her casket being lowered into the very spot that I am sitting in now. I silently put a bouquet of white roses on her gravestone. Those are her favorite. She said that they looked pure and innocent, but if you touch them their thorns pricked you. She said that I was like that, giving off a innocent appearance, but actually being crazy and a wild child.

I haven't been wild in a long time; I haven't found anyone to unleash that side of me since her. It's freezing out here, and I can't feel my fingers anymore as I trace the outside of her name with them. It's not right, she was so full of life, and it doesn't make sense to me that she was taken away. I would do anything to bring her back; I would take her place in a heartbeat. I wish I could see her just once more. I close my eyes and to stop the tears from coming down. I quickly snap them open when I feel a hand on my shoulder.

"Are you okay." I look up at Nathan, not surprised that he came down. I had asked him to give me a ride to the cemetery, since I didn't have a car, and didn't wan to ask my parents. I know that it was a weird request but he did it with no questions asked. I asked him to wait in the car, but I guess that simple instruction was too much for him.

"Ya, Nathan why aren't…"

"Why aren't I in my car?" He finishes my thought for me and I nod my head. "I'm sorry it's just that it has been 45 minutes already and I was getting worried. I can go back to the car if you want." I don't say anything for a few seconds and he starts to walk to the car.

"Stay." It is barley a whisper and I know he hear because he stops. Then he shakes his head and continues walking, obviously thinking that he was imagining it. "Nathan, stay." I said it louder this time and he defiantly heard it. He walks back over and sits down next to me.

"So, are you okay." I look up at him and give him a sad smile. I start to nod my head but quickly change my mind and shake it instead. Tears start to fall down my cheeks and I reach for his hand. Instead of holding m hand though he uses it to pull me into his lap and holds me there. It's weird, because I just met him, and I feel like I've known him my whole life. I really trust him, and even though I'm not sure it's a good idea, I m going to let myself be vulnerable. I want to put myself out there, because he keeps putting himself out there, so it's only fair. I close my eyes as he slowly rocks me back and forth.

I am falling for him in a big way. I have never felt like this…ever. I love the way I feel in his arms and I love the way he makes me feel safe. All my walls crumble and I just want to pour my heart out to him. I only just met him, but people say that like can change in a second, it did when I lost Tina, and it is now that I met Nathan.

"She was my best friend." Nathan looks down at me at the sound of my voice. "Her name was Tina. I met her when I was five at dance camp. We were best friends ever since. I never told anyone though, I don't really know why. I guess it was more special that way. Having a friend that no one knew. I could totally be myself with her, she just awakened this whole other side of me." I was telling him everything. I liked it too; I loved finally telling someone about my pain, and about Tina. I can feel it in my heart that he is the right person to tell about her.

"What happened?" I take a deep breath and start to tell him the story of the night my life changed.

"We were in a car accident. I was going to drive but she loved driving, so she insisted that she did. I didn't argue, I mean it's not like we were drunk or anything, we just wanted to go out and have a good time. It was just like every other night, except it was Tina's last night. Anyway, we saw a…a car…and…it…it…um." I take a deep breath to stop the tears that were rising and tried to reduce the lump in my throat. I continue. "The car… was swerving, but it evened out before it got to us, and we just thought that it was someone joking around. But it wasn't." I start to get mad here, I always do. It could have been avoided if that dumbass hadn't gotten behind the wheel of his car. I start to talk faster and louder, the anger is clear in my voice. "It hit our car right on the drivers side where Tina was sitting. She died immediately. The guy that hit us was 37 years old and was drunk. He was 37, so he had to know better than to get into a car drunk and drive it. He is in jail for life, because he didn't plead guilty, so he got into even more trouble."

"I'm sorry Haley, I really am, I wish that I could take the pain away." I nod to show that I hear him but continue to talk.

"It should have been me, I was supposed to be driving. I remember, I was lying in my hospital bed, since I had been knocked unconscious and had a concussion and some other injuries, and I kept asking how she was. My parents told me that she didn't make it. I could barely breath. I didn't even believe them. I thought that I was hallucinating or something. It wasn't real, not until the funeral. Then I saw the casket, and it was so real, all I could do was cry. I tried to offer my condolences to her parents but they wouldn't talk to me. They said that I was too much like their daughter and that it hurt too much." He is holding me tighter now, and it feels good to be in his arms. And when he whispers, it's not your fault, over and over, I believe him, it doesn't last long, but for a second I truly believe it, and that is a feeling that I don't want to lose.

I stop talking now, it's too hard. But somehow I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I feel like I can maybe start to move on, with Nathan's help of course. As I lean back into his chest with his arms around me, I can't help but smile, it's small, but it's the first real smile that I have had in a long time. It's time to piece my heart back together, and I know that I can do it, well we can.

THanks for reading! Please reply! Ill try to update soon!


	4. Endless Light

A/N:Thank you to my reviewers! I am glad you like my story! thank you for taking the time to reply!

Chapter 4 – Endless Light

I walk into school the next day and notice everyone staring in my direction. Some people point, and a lot of girls look jealous. I'm not used to getting attention, and I thought that I would hate it, but it's actually no that bad. I look to my left and smile up at Nathan. He isn't affected by the people staring at all, but I guess he's used to it. After all he is the reason that people are even noticing my existence.

After my little break down in the cemetery he drove me back to Tree Hill, and since I had calmed down by that point he took me out to dinner. It was fun, more fun than anything that I have done in a long time. At first I felt a little guilty about having fun on the anniversary of my friends death, but after awhile it faded, with reassurance from Nathan that she would be happy to see my smiling again. It was a completely innocent dinner that ended with a kiss on the cheek and a hug. I am hoping that Nathan felt the same sparks as me whenever we touch. I thought maybe it was pity, since I clearly had some tragedy, but when he surprised me by picking me up for school this morning I knew that it had to be more than that.

I feel him wrap his arm around my waist as we walk down the hallway and I smile. I lean back into him and together we walk down the hallway to my locker. He drops me off at my locker, squeezes my hand and then walks away to his locker. I miss him already.

"So, if I ask how you're doing will you bite my head off?" I look in the direction the voice is coming from and see Brooke standing there. I give her a small smile to let her know that I am not going to bite her head off.

"No, and Brooke I am sorry about yesterday, I was just having a horrific day and couldn't really deal with anything…so I kind of lashed out. I am really sorry though." She looks satisfied and is about to talk when the bell rings, sending everyone else in the hallway scurrying off to their classrooms. Brooke, however, doesn't move an inch.

"What about the past few months? Are you sorry for those too? I mean, it's not like it was just yesterday that you acted weird towards me Haley. I know that something happened, about six months ago. I could tell because the light that was always shinning in your eyes went out." I don't want to deal with this right now, I can't tell her everything in the middle of the school hallway.

"I have to get to class Brooke." I start to walk away but she grabs my arm and turns me to face her.

"Why couldn't you tell me what happened? I was your best friend Haley; I could've helped you through whatever happened. But you pushed me away, it wasn't fair. I don't get why you wouldn't just tell me what was going on, I hated not being able to help you. Now all of a sudden you're with Nathan Scott! You always hated him, but you let him in, I saw you guys hugging when Lucas and me were leaving yesterday! I would've helped you Haley." I want to yell at Brooke, for telling me how I should've lived my life, but I can't. She just sounds so sad. So I tell the truth, but only a short version of it.

"I lost my best friend Tina, you didn't know her. She died seven months ago. That's what happened. Now, I am really late to class, so I have to go." I start to walk away slowly, suddenly finding it really hard to focus on walking. The faint sound of Brooke's voice makes me stop walking for a second.

"I lost my best friend that day too." I wasn't supposed to hear it, I could tell by the way she said it. Her voice sounded as pained as mine did whenever I talked about losing Tina. Hearing her like that so broken, caused a new crack in my heart.

I can't go to class right now, it's too hard. I head towards the girls bathroom and go into a stall. I pull the cover down on the toilet and sit there. I start to think, when Tina died I became Isolated, I wouldn't even talk to Brooke or Lucas anymore. I had been growing away from Lucas anyway, but Brooke and me had been getting closer and closer. I can barely breath right now, thinking how I hurt my best friend the same way that I was hurting. I suddenly get sick to my stomach and have to drop to the ground and lift up the toilet seat before my breakfast comes up.

How could I do that to Brooke; she didn't deserve it. I don't know how I can even face her now. I didn't give her a chance to help me through losing Tina, I just pushed her away. That wasn't fair.

I can't sit her anymore so I get up and walk up to the sink. I look at my reflection, and look right into my eyes, and see that the light, the one Brooke told me had gone out, was in fact gone. I can't help the tears that drip down my face as I think about what Brooke said to me. She noticed that my eyes didn't shine. It is practically impossible to notice something like that. I feel the walls around me closing in, and I have to get some fresh air, now.

I go and sit on a bench in front of the school, not really caring if I get into trouble. I miss Tina a lot, but I know she is never coming back, but I miss Brooke too, and she can come back. I just hope it's not too late. I feel the bench move slightly and notice Brooke sitting next to me. She smiles at me, letting me know that she isn't mad at me.

"It came back you know." I look at her confused; I have no idea what she is talking about. She must notice the look on my face because she starts to laugh slightly. "The light in you eyes. It was there this morning after Nathan left your locker." She nudges me lightly in a suggestive way when she says Nathan. I laugh a little. She's right; Nathan is one of the few people who can make me happy now.

"I'm sorry Brooke, sorry that I pushed you away, but I am just not sure if I'm ready to talk to you about the whole thing yet. I really want to be your friend still, but I don't know if I can really be a good friend to you right now." She stands up when I finish talking and I can tell that she is upset. That is not what I wanted.

"But you can be a good friend to Nathan."

"Brooke, It not…"

"No, Haley you know what, I want to be there for you, I really do, but come-on, you don't want to be my friend anymore, you just fell guilty cutting me lose. It's not like I need you James, I just thought maybe you needed me, but hey, you have Nathan, so I guess your al set." I don't even get to say anything back to her since she walks away so quickly. I sit there, just thinking of what a mess my life has become lately.

I don't know how long I have been sitting her for, but I guess it's lunch time because a couple of crazy kids came to eat outside in this freezing weather. I start to laugh at that. I must look psychotic. I am sitting here in the cold, and not doing anything.

I get up and walk inside to Nathan's locker where I find him putting his books away. He smiles when he sees me, and I try to smile back but it comes out forced. I am glad to see him; really, it's just that I am not in the mod to smile right now.

"Ready to go to lunch?" I nod my head and he grabs my hand and pulls me off to the cafeteria. He walks us over to his group of friends and motions for me to sit down next to him. I cautiously sit down, I don't really know his friends but a lot of them are bitches or dumbasses, and something tells me that they won't all be as welcoming as he is.

"Alright, everyone this is, my girlfriend Haley, and Haley this is everybody." I smile when he says girlfriend, we hadn't really decided what we were yet. Everyone kid of nods in my direction or throws a quick what's up in my direction before turning back to their own thing. Nathan then turns to me. "Okay, so I'm going to go some food, you want anything?" I nod my head; I don't really have much of an appetite right now. He gives me a quick smile before leaving.

"It Haley right." I turn to see Teresa, a total bitch talking to me.

"Ya." I decide that short answers are my best bet at surviving alone against these girls.

"So, all of a sudden your with Nathan, what exactly did you do to get to that position." I think of how to answer this question. I know that Teresa is just trying to be obnoxious and wants to point out how I'm below him, but I don't really care what she thinks.

"Um…well, I'm his tutor so I met him through that and we just hit it off." Ya, I think that covers it.

"Oh, so what you mean is either he got some, or h e pities you." Oh Hell No! She. Did. Not. First she calls me a whore, and then has the nerve to practically call me a charity case. "Or I guess if you paid him or something, I mean why else would the most popular guy in school go out with a girl who doesn't have any friends." All right, now, I m pissed. I stand up and walk in her direction.

"First of all, I'm not a whore like you, and I do have friends, just because your nose is to high in the air to see that, doesn't mean that I don't have any." Teresa sneers and walks over to me so we are face to face.

"Sure Haley you have lots of friends, what did they all just disappear?" She just crossed a major line. She is going down.

Before I even know what I am doing I slap her across the face. Her lip immediately splits and she gets a look of rage on her face. I turn to walk away but she jumps on my back from behind and sends up to the ground. It hard to say exactly what happened after that because it was just one bitch slap after another until Nathan and Jake pull us apart. I try to get out of Nathan's arm to go after that bitch again, but he wont let me go.

"You're a psycho, what the hell is wrong with you Haley?" I look at Teresa with the disgust. What the hell is wrong with me? What is wrong with her is the real question.

"What, you think I was going to stand there and watch you talk shit, fat chance." I break free from Nathan's arms and start to go at her again, but Nathan interferes and throws me over his shoulder carrying me outside. We he sets me on the ground he starts pacing back and forth.

"Haley, what was that, I left for like to seconds and you get into a cat fight?" I look at the ground, ashamed, but what could I do, I snapped.

"Lecture me later, okay Nathan, I am having a horrible day and I just want to get out of here."

"Haley, we can't skip school every single day. You won't pass."

"I don't want to skip everyday, I just want to skip today. It doesn't matter anyway, I didn't go to any of my morning classes." When I say that Nathan stops pacing and looks at me. Eh is very clearly worried about me. I walk over to him and grab his hand.

"Nathan, can we please just go somewhere quiet and talk, I really need to." Nathan starts pulling me toward the parking lot.

"Alright Haley, we will leave, but tomorrow you are going to a whole day of school even if I have to sit next to you in every one of your classes." I smile and give Nathan a quick peck on the cheek.

"I promise tomorrow I will sit through an entire day of school, happy?"

"Extremely." I smile at him, and I swear this smile actually is touching my ears, and there is nothing fake about it. As I get into his car I look at my face in the rearview mirror, and am happy to see the light in my eyes shinning bright.

Hope you liked the update! Please give me honest feedback! Ill update as soon as I can!


	5. Healing Sound of Music and Raindrops

A/N: Hey guys, sorry that it took me such a long time to update, I had major writers block...but now its gone so I am excited to keep going with the story...I hope you guys like this chapter! Tell me what you think, and be honest, I dont mind criticism! And thanks for the reviews that I got, you guys are my motivation!

Chapter 5 – Healing Sound of Music and Raindrops

Rain is an interesting thing. Each individual drop falls free from the sky only to blend into one big puddle. Rain is like people in that way, everyone tends to blend into the crowd. I used to blend, at Tree Hill at least, but with Tina I would stand out. We would be the center of attention everywhere we went. That's what it's like with Nathan. He is popular and a basketball stat and everyone knows him. It a different kind of attention though, people only notice me because I am with him, when I was with Tina we would make ourselves the center of attention, but with Nathan I am just an add-on.

We've only been a couple for a little over a week but already I feel like I've known him forever. He makes me feel alive again. He's starting to make me realize that just because Tina died, doesn't mean that I have to stop living my life.

I still feel guilty about what happened with Brooke. I know that she is trying to help, but I am just not ready to face her yet. I meant what I told her, I really do want to be her friend but I don't think that I would be a good one right now. Facing her means facing my past and that is just not something I am willing to do.

I put me finishing touches on my make-up when I hear a knock on the door. Luckily my parents aren't home, so I don't have to worry about introducing Nathan to them yet. It's not unusual for my parents to be away, I have seven older siblings and my parents are always out visiting them. It used to really bother me, but lately not having them here to badger me is fine with me. And I am really glad that they don't know that I am dating Nathan yet, they knew how much I hated him, and they wouldn't understand why I like him all of a sudden.

I open the door and find Nathan standing there. He gives me a once over and then looks surprised. I can guess why, I am dressed differently than usual. I am in tight black jeans that hug my curves perfectly, and a light pink halter-top that ends right below my belly button. I straightened my hair and pulled it up into a ponytail. It's been a long time since I've dressed like this, but Nathan wanted to go dancing, so I figured that it was the perfect time to let my wild side show again.

"You can stop drooling now Nathan." I laugh as he closes his mouth and try to think of something to say.

"Well I can't help it, you look hott!" I can't help but blush when he says that. But hey, I definitely don't disagree with him; I do look hott!

"Thanks, you don't look so bad yourself, but we should get going. I am dyeing to start dancing." Nathan agreed and we walked to the car. He even opened the door for me. Now we are on our way!

"Okay, so you have to be over 21 to get into this club, so you have a fake ID right?" Nathan glances at me almost surprised looking, but he managed to nod his head. "Good, and I have mine so we should be all set." I stop talking when I hear Nathan start laughing. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing, it's just that I always thought that you were this totally serious girl, who spent every night studying, but it turns out I was wrong. You are a total party girl." I smile as he talks. I'm not too surprised by his impression of me. Almost everyone in Tree Hill probably thinks that I am a boring tutor who sits at home every night. But in reality I used to go out all the time. I haven't in a long time though, but I am so excited to finally go dancing again. It feels normal to go out, it feels good, and as I look at Nathan I can't help but smile.

We finally arrive at the club and I practically go running to the entrance I am so excited. We get inside and I immediately drag Nathan onto the dance floor. We start grinding and keep going for five songs in a row. I have to say that I am kind of relieved when a slow song comes on. Dancing is exhausting. The change of pace gives Nathan and me a chance to talk.

"So, Haley, I have decided that I like this crazy side of you, it's hott." I can't help but laugh when he says that, so far it's been a perfect night.

"Thanks, but I can't be this way all of the time. Only sometime, it takes a special person to bring it out of me." He stops dancing for a second and looks straight into my eyes.

"Am I one of those people?" I think about making a joke, but he is so serious that I decide against it.

"Ya, you are." I decide that now is as good a time as any to pour my heart out to him. "I haven't felt his good, alive, or, free in a long time. No one has been able to open up that part of me, but then you came along and all of a sudden it's like my life is coming together again, and that feels amazing." I look up into his gorgeous blue eyes before I continue. "I'm falling in love with you, I'm falling hard, and fast." Nathan leans over to me and whispers in my ear.

"I'm falling in love with you too." Then he leans in and kissed me. It's a slow sensual kiss, the kind that stops time in movies. It's the kind of kiss you wait or your whole like, and you just know that he is the only guy for you. My doubts about the relationship start to fake away and everything is perfect.

"Wow." What else can I say, that kiss was just…wow. Nathan smirks at me.

"I know." I hated that smirk when I first saw it but now it's growing on me.

"Do you wanna take a break from dancing, I'm getting a little tired." He nods his head and we make our way over to some tables. We sit down and I look at Nathan and can tell that he is trying to decide whether of not to say something.

"Just say it." He looks at my unsure but then after a few seconds he begins to talk.

"I know that it's a sensitive subject, but um…what happened between you and Brooke? I know that you got into a fight over something, but what was it?" I take a deep breath. I don't know why he had to bring this up now, but I guess I mind as well tell him the truth.

"Tina. Well, sort of. When Tina died I just cut Brooke out of my life, I didn't even tell her about Tina or anything, actually you were the first person that I told. But anyway, she is mad that I trust you and not her, so I told her about Tina. Then she said that she wanted to be my friend again, but not if I wasn't willing to be one back." I look at Nathan who is still taking in the information.

"Why didn't you tell her? Back when it happened I mean?"

"I was scared I guess. I didn't want it to make her pity me or anything. Also she didn't know Tina, or even that she existed, and." I stop talking; this night was going so well, why did it have to start hurting now.

"And what?"

"And I was scared that I would lose her too. I knew that it would bring us closer, and I couldn't bare losing another friend so I pushed he away." At this point I start crying. I hate crying in public, it's stupid and I feel stupid doing it, but I can't stop the god dam tears. "But in the rend I lost her anyway, and it still hurts. Even now it hurts." Nathan wraps his arms around me as I continue. This seems to be a reoccurring thing with us, I bawl, and Nathan holds me. "She knows me so well. She saw the light in my eyes go out, that's how she knew something horrible had happened to me. It takes an amazing person to notice something like that. How selfish am I? I hurt her just to save myself. I am a horrible person."

"No you're not." I nod my head to show that I am but Nathan stops me and looks into my eyes before continuing. "No Haley, you're not. You were in pain and confused, and pushed people away. That doesn't make you horrible, it makes you human."

"Being human sucks."

"I know it does." As he says this I wonder how much he really does know. I mean who has he ever lost that was close to him.

I'm trying really hard not to get angry, but it is hard. I have always hated when people act like they understand what you're going through, but in reality they have no idea. After Tina died my siblings would all say that they knew what I was going through, and that it would be okay. It would piss me off because they had no idea how I felt, and they acted as though it was their best friend that had died. I get why they did it though, I really did. I know they wanted to help me, but it just seemed so fake, so forced. So I try now, to not get angry when people say they know.

The last thing I want is for Nathan and I to get into a fight; so I decide to change the subject. "Ya, well anyway, how's basketball going?" He clearly notices the change in subject but doesn't comment; instead he simply goes along with it.

"Good, we actually have a tournament coming up next weekend. It's a five-hour bus ride to get there, but it's totally worth it. Not only do I get to play a weekend of basketball, but the chaperones suck, so it's party central." I smile at his enthusiasm; I used to get that excited when I got to dance. I really miss it sometimes, I have even considered dancing again, but I feel like it wouldn't be fair to Tina. I'm snapped out of my thoughts as Nathan continues talking. "Of course it would be much better if you came too."

"I wish I could Nate, but unfortunately I am not a part of the boys basketball team." He rolls his eyes at my sarcasm and I push him playfully.

"You don't have to be on the team, if you ask Whitey, and there is still room left, you can come as a fan."

"Seriously? That's awesome, I am totally there, and besides if I don't go who will cheer for you?" I am excited, getting away from Tree Hill is exactly what I need to do.

Thanks for reading! Please give me your opinions... I will update again sometime this week!


	6. Haunting Faces

A/N: Sorry that it took so long to update, I didnt really know if i was going to contineu it or not, but i decided to continue writing it, so i will try and update quicker. I hope you enjoy it!

Chapter 6 – Haunting Faces

I took a deep breath as I knocked on the door. This is going to be hard, but it something that I need to do. The door opens and Brooke stands there with a shocked expression on her face. I try to speak but can't find the words. Brooke fortunately notices this and signals for me to come inside. After I walk in I finally get the courage to speak.

"I'm sorry." Brooke doesn't say anything back, but instead just stares at me, so I decided to go on. "I wasn't fair to you, I should have told you about Tina, I shouldn't have pushed you away." I wait for Brooke's response, nervously.

"I'm not mad at you for that Haley. I understand why you pushed me away. I get that you were hurting, and I already forgave you for that. But ht other day you mad eit cleat that you didn't want to be my friend again so why are you here?"

"Because I lied. I told you that I might not be good friend to you, but in reality I am still scared. I only took one instant for me to lose Tina. I don't want to get close to you again and lose you too. I can't handle losing another best friend. I still love you Brooke, but if we get close again and you get ripped away, I don't think I could survive."

What Brooke did next surprise me, she hugged me, and she wrapped her arms around me. It took a second to react, but after a minute I hugged her back. I couldn't help but cry. It felt so good to be in the arms of my best friend again. She spoke softly in my ear as we embraces still.

"Haley, I can't promise to always be around, but I can promise that when I am here, ill be the best fiend I can be, no matter what." I smile into her shoulder and take a step backwards breaking the hug. Brooke looks at me and says on final thing. "I hope that can be enough."

"It's more than enough, way more than enough." Brooke and me spent the rest of the day catching up and just laughing like we used to. It was one of the best days of my life. It felt like everything was starting to fall into place.

The next few days flew by and suddenly it was time for the big basketball tournament, and I am thrilled. Not only do I get to spend the weekend with my best friend and new boyfriend, but also both of them have assured me that it will be a party weekend and I am all up for that.

"Geez, Hales, think you could have packed a heavier bag." I smile as Nathan grimaces before lifting my bag over his shoulder.

"Hey, I told you that I would carry it, but you had to be all macho, so now ill let you suffer." Nathan threw the bag in his trunk and walked over to me wrapping his arms around my waist. He whispered in my ear from behind sending shivers down my spine.

"You don't really want me to suffer, do you?"

I turned around and locked my arms around his next, before answering. "No." I leaned in to kiss him and as we broke apart I whispered, "Well, maybe a little." Than I walked away from him and got into the car. This weekend is totally going to rock!

"Everyone listen up!" I looked up as the coach tried to calm the bus of teenagers down. "I have your room assignment here, consider these final." I got my room number, 407, and anxiously turned to Brooke, hoping that she had the same number. But no such luck. I heard someone yell out, "Who got room 407?" I turned to see who my roommate was, it was Teresa. I sat down in my seat and put me head in my hands. Maybe this weekend wont rock after all.

"I get the window bed." I heard Teresa's voice as she entered our hotel room. I considered telling her I wanted it but realized that it was pointless fight so instead I put my stuff down and left the room without a word.

Plopping down on Brooke's bed I dramatically put my hand s over my face and pouted. "Why do I have to get stuck with Teresa?" Brooke smiled and looked to her roommate Peyton before they burst out laughing. I however was not amused. "What?" I first looked at Brooke who just shrugged it off, before turning to the pretty blond who was currently hanging up her uniform.

I raised my eyebrows questioningly at her and waited for an explanation. I had never really like Peyton, I saw her more as competition than anything else. But after hanging out with her and Brooke this week, I realized that I was wrong about her, and that I like hanging around her. I turn to her as she explains the laughing.

"Haley, were just messing around with you. It is no big deal." I stand up and dramatically put my hand on my chest and take in an exaggerated breath.

"No big deal? No big deal? I am rooming with _Satan_! My life is _over_!" I then fall back onto the bed and try to keep a serious face but burst out laughing.

"Why is you life over?" I turn to look at Nathan who has a teasing smirk on his face. I instantly feel my face get red, which only caused more laughter out of Brooke and Peyton.

"Because, I got stuck with Teresa. This was supposed to be af un weekend, but instead it is going to blow." Nathan sits down next o me and puts his arm around my shoulder. I let my head fall down onto his shoulder and feel my mood slowly become a little better. Maybe this weekend won't totally suck.

Knock. Knock. I see Bevin poke her head in the room cautiously to make sure it is okay to come in, before waling in completely. "Whitey wants us to all meet in the lounge area. He needs to go over the rules again. We have to be there in ten minutes." Brooke thanks her and she leaves the room.

"How many times is he going to go over the rules? Isn't it a little ridiculous to tell us the same thing over and over again?" Brooke nods her head in agreement before responding to me.

"I totally agree Hales, but the old man insists on going over the rules repeatedly, even though he knows that we wont follow them."

"We are going to get caught. I guarantee it." Brooke just rolls her eyes at me and continues to drag me down the hallway.

"Stop worrying Hales, we are not going to get caught. The lobby is just around the corner." I keep quiet until we reach the lobby, and can't help but to remember when Tina and me used to sneak around. I force the thought out of my head as I see Nathan approaching me. I need to have fun tonight; and thinking about Tina will not help that. I smile as Nathan wraps his arm around me and we leave the hotel.

"So, where exactly are we going?" Nathan looks down at me before answering.

"To a club that is right down the street. It's pretty cool." Once we get to the club the rest of the night is pretty much a blur of alcohol and music. I wasn't able to keep Tina out of my mind, so I had a couple drinks to help me, and got a nice buzz going. Unfortunately, a familiar face brought me down.

"Christine?"

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	7. Shattered Apologies

A/N: Thank you so much for the replies. I tried to update as quick as possible. Hope that you like my next chapter. The italics are flashbacks.

Chapter 7 – Shattered Apologies

"Christine?" I cannot believe my eyes, I haven't seen her since a few days after the funeral, she came to my house to check on me, and that was the last that I heard of her. Christine went to camp with us starting when she was ten. The three of us were pretty close, but not the way that Tina and me were. Dance Camp lasted most of the summer, and whenever we were at camp the three of us were inseparable. But Christine never really wanted to hang out outside of camp, mostly because she lived in California, and it would be really hard to get together. She was still one of my close friends though, we talked on the phone, and she was always there whenever I needed her to be, until Tina died. I haven't talked to her in seven months, she didn't even show up to the funeral, but I still remember our last conversation clearly.

"_Haley!" I jumped off of my bed and ran into Christine's open arms while a fresh batch of tears ran down my face. "I am so glad that you are okay!"_

"_What are you doing here, you live across the country!" Christine looked at me and gave me a sad smile._

"_I got on a plane as soon as could. I wanted to come when heard about the accident, but my parents wouldn't let me. I am so sorry about Tina. I know that you must really miss her Hales." I nodded my head and tried unsuccessfully to stop the tears that were streaming down my face. "Are you doing okay? It must have been so hard to be in that accident. I am so glad that I didn't lose you too." I look up at Christine and see that she is crying too. I break out of the hug and start to pace around the room; it's a habit that I picked up since the accident. _

"_It should have been me, Christine, I deserved to die so much more than she did. I mean I was supposed to drive, and she was such a good person and she didn't deserve to have this happen to her. I don't understand it, and I don't want to. All I know is that it is my fault." I see Christine's eyes open in shock as I talk, clearly that was not the response she was expecting._

_"Haley, I know that it was horrible that Tina died, and that it is easy to blame yourself, but how can you honestly believe that it was your fault. It wasn't your fault Hales." I look at her disbelievingly, she is wrong; it was my fault._

"_Of course it was my fault. I saw the other driver swerve, I should have known that they were drunk, I should have known that it was dangerous, but I didn't." I can feel the anger and pain rise inside of me and I start to yell. " **I** was the one who wanted to go out. **I** was the one who just **needed** to have fun. Tina would have been just as happy watching a movie at her house. Tina would still be alive if I had just stayed in with her, but no, I **neede**d to go out and because of that Tina is **dead**. So don't tell me not to blame myself, because it is all me fault, and I hate myself for it." Christine takes a minute to absorb what I said before she responds._

"_Haley, you can't hate yourself, and you shouldn't. No one blames you and no one hates you. It was an accident and the only person who is to blame is the drunk driver. It wasn't your fault." I look at Christine with fire burning in my eyes, and can't believe that she has the nerve to talk about things that she doesn't know anything about._

"_Shut up Christine. You don't know what the hell you are talking about. You weren't at the funeral, you didn't see the look that her parents gave me when I tried to give my condolences; they hate me. They wish that it was me, I know it." _

"_Haley, I am sorry that I couldn't be at the funeral, but I couldn't get here till today."_

"_I don't care why you weren't there. When someone dies Christine, you cancel your other plans and come to say your last goodbye. I don't want to hear your lame excuses about it. I had to go to that stupid funeral alone. No one knew me, and no one was there to hold me as I cried. I needed you to be there Christine, but you weren't. So, don't tell me that it is okay, and it isn't my fault because it is!" I look at her and see the pain in her eyes, but it quickly changes to rage, and I know that she is pissed. She starts yelling too._

"_I wanted to be there Haley, I tried to get on a plane the second that I got the phone call, but my parents said that I had to wait till the weekend, because I couldn't miss school. I was so mad; I still am not talking to them. I hate that I had to miss the funeral, and I am really sorry that you had to go alone, but at least you got to say goodbye to her. I didn't even get that chance. I haven't even seen her since the summer. I hate that I wasn't there, so don't you dare yell at me for that!" I look up at her and while a part of me just wants to hug her and leave this fight in the past, a bigger part of me just wants to scream at the top of my lungs._

"_It is not my fault that you haven't seen her since the summer. It was like we were never good enough for you, you only can be seen with us when there is no one else around at camp. God forbid we ruin your reputation." _

"_That is such bull shit Haley, I live in California, I would love to see you more often but I can't." I know that is true, but it doesn't matter. I walk up to her so that I am only an inch away from her face and speak in a malicious tone._

"_Whatever Christine, I bet you don't even care that she is dead." As the words leave me mouth I can't believe that I said them, and even in my rage I want to take them back in and swallow them. But before I get a chance, Christine shoves me backwards, and I fall to the ground. I get back up and tackle her, it feels so good to unleash all of the aggression that I have. As I slap and kick and yell, I barley even feel her hitting me back. I feel my father pull me away, but I don't stop, I keep kicking and screaming until he finally manages to calm me down._

_I look at Christine and see that she has a gash on her cheek and is bleeding. Then I taste my own blood. I don't fell sorry though, I feel liberated, and all that I want to do is smash something._

_My parents leave the room once we both are calm, but say that they will be right outside, so we better not start fighting again. I look at Christine with nothing to say, and she looks just as clueless as me, so we stand in silence for what seems like forever, until she speaks._

"_I have a plane to catch, so I guess I am going to go. Goodbye Haley." I hear the coldness in her voice, and match it with my own._

"_Goodbye Christine." She walks past me and after she is gone I see a framed picture of Tina, Christine, and Me. I walk over to it, and pick it up, and then throw it at my wall, watching the glass shatter, I melt to the floor, and cry, knowing that my life will never be the same. _

I look at her now, and want to tell her sorry so badly, but can't bring myself to do it. She looks at me and doesn't say anything, so I decide to say something first.

"How are you?" She looks at me, but doesn't respond, and I know that it was a stupid thing to say, but it was the only thing that I could think of.

"Fine. Look I have to go. Goodbye Haley." She walks past me without a second look and I can feel the tears threatening to spill down me face. I had finally starting dealing with losing Tina, and now I have to deal with a whole different part of it.

I looked around the club to see if I could find Nathan or Brooke, but it was so crowed and I couldn't see them anywhere. I can't hold the tears in anymore and I let them fall. I look down so no one will see me cry and feel two strong arms wrap around me. I look up at Lucas and hug him back. I really missed him.

"I'm scared Luke, everything fells out of control."

"I know Hales, but I'm here for you, and so are Brooke and Nathan." I smile slightly at the mention of Nathan. I know that Luke hates him, but he is trying.

"I miss you Luke. I am so sorry, I don't want to lose you."

"You won't Hales, I will always be here, no matter what." I hold him tighter and feel like a weight has been lifted. It is amazing that Luke can forgive me so easily. Maybe, if I am lucky, Christine will be able to forgive me to. Then, hopefully, I will be able to forgive myself.

Thank you for reading! I hope that you liked it, please review to tell me what you thought about it. I will try to update as soon as I can.


	8. Passionate Despair

A/N: Thank you to all of my reviewers! I appreciate the feedback! Especially **Nathanlvr, **your comment was really helpful, it gave me the idea for this chapter, so thank you very much!

Chapter 8 – Passionate Despair

"Let's get out of here." I look up at Lucas and nod my head. Looking up into his eyes I can't think of anything besides him. I quickly shake off that feeling and let him lead me out of the club.

As we walk down the street I feel his arm wrap around my shoulder and I naturally lean into his chest. I feel so lucky to have him, even after I abanded him he is willing to take me back into his life with open arms. A small smile forms on my lips as I think about all of the times that he has been there for me. Even when we were really little he always took care of me. We reach the hotel in complete silence, and we keep it that way until we reach my room. With my hand on the handle, I turn to him.

"Do you think that maybe we could go and hang out in your room, I really don't want to be alone right now, and dealing with a drunk Teresa is going to be a pain in the ass." He smiles at me and wraps his arm around my shoulder again leading me to his room. I feel so safe in his arms, and I really don't want him to let go.

We reached his room and I immediately walk over to his bed and sit down on it. He lies down next to me and I try to think of something to say. I really don't want to go into all of the drama of my life. All that I want to do right now is forget about everything and hide away from reality.

"Hales, I know that you probably don't want to talk about whatever it is that happened, but I really think that you should it isn't good to keep it all inside." I look at him as he continues to talk and try to think of something that will shut him up. Before I can even process what I am doing I grab his face with both my hands and bring his lips down to mine. He initially pulls away and looks at me confused, but it fades quickly and he grabs me and pulls me down on top of him. As our lips meet again I smile and suddenly feel the need to be close to him.

He flips us over so that he can be on top of me and I giggle a little as he does it. I tug on his shirt and with his help I lift it over his head and throw it to the floor. My shirt soon joins it on the floor. I'll never know what would have happened next, because the door opened and Nathan and Brooke walked into the room.

Nathan's face was one of the worst things I have ever had to see in my life. He was so heartbroken, and…. pissed. He didn't say a word before he left the room muttering under his breath. But as bad as that was, Brooke was worse. All of the color drained out of her face and she stumbled back a little bit. The sight of her best friend and boyfriend in bed together was enough to make her sick, and I thought for a second she was going to throw up.

She stayed in the room with us not speaking for what felt like an eternity, and then she finally spoke. It wasn't yelling like I had expected. Instead she spoke with venom and hatred in her voice, and it made we wish that she had been yelling.

"How could you? I trusted both of you, and you both just stabbed me in the back." She looks at me, and squints her eyes. I can't imagine how horrible it is for her to see us like this, shirtless with my hair looking like a tornado had hit it. We barley moved from our initial position, so we are still lying in the bed together, but are now next to each other. Her eyes bore into me, and I can practically feel her burning a whole in me. "And you. I cannot believe that I wanted to be your friend again. You are nothing but a slutty whore who wants everyone else to be unhappy because your unhappy." He gaze switches over Luke, and I see the tears brimming her eyes. "Your even worse Luke, I really trusted you, I gave you my heart and you threw it back in my face. I hate you. Both of you." As she left the room I looked up at Luke who looked back at me, but neither one of us moved.

Finally after a few minutes of silence I speak. "Um, we should probably get our shirts…" He nods his head and we both get up to fix ourselves up. I look in a mirror and try to somehow fix my hair. As I look at my appearance, and see the mark that Luke left on my neck I start laughing. He looks over at me like I'm crazy, but it only makes me laugh harder.

"Brooke was right you know." I don't know if he can even understand me, I am laughing so hard. "I am a whore. And I'm miserable. She should hate me." I don't know why I am laughing, but I can't seem to stop. The whole situation is just so surreal. A couple of hours ago I was so worried about my past, but now everything is changed.

"Why are you laughing, Hales? I really don't think that anything funny happened. We both just lost people we love." I look at him and let my laughter die down to a smile.

"Sometimes, you just have to laugh Luke, there's just nothing else to do." He looks at me in slight confusion, and a realization dawns on me. "You know, this thing, it might not be so bad. I mean for me at least. I know that it is insensitive to you, but I think that it is good that I can finally focus on something that is happening now instead of 7 months ago. A new tragedy, except I can fix this one." Luke looks at me and smiles at my optimism, but then frowns again.

"I don't think that you can fix this one Hales. I mean they caught us in bed together, half naked. I don't think that I'm sorry is going to fix it."

"I know that it is going to be hard, but everyone makes mistakes Luke. I am sure that we can get them to forgive them and take us back. It will just take time. Besides, it's not like this meant anything." As the words leave my mouth I know that it isn't true. It did mean something. Everytime that he touched me I would feel a spark, I felt safe, and a part of me just wanted to get back in bed with him and leave the rest of the world behind.

"Right, it didn't mean anything." I feel a twinge of disappointment run through me when he says that. I hear him sigh, and he walks toward me, grabbing my hands. I look at him in confusion, and he leans down to give me a slow kiss. "Tell me that didn't mean anything, and we will leave what happened in the past." I look into his eyes, prepared to tell him that it meant nothing. But as I open my mouth to speak I stop myself, and instead grab his lips in another kiss.

"It meant something Luke, but it doesn't matter, we can't do this to Brooke and Nathan." I pull away from him and start walking towards the door. I know that if I don't leave right now then I will end up doing something that I will regret later.

"We already did it to them Hales, the damage is done, so I think that we owe it to ourselves to see it there is anything between us." I stop walking and turn to face him, and know that he is right.

"Your right Luke, but it is going to be hard." He smiles and pulls me into his arms, and I feel safe, but a voice in the back of my head is screaming at me that it is wrong, that he isn't Nathan. But that voice is quiet, and I drown it out with the one telling me that being with Luke is the right choice, and that life's about risks, and it's time that I start taking them.

* * *

Hope that you liked it! The story will be a naley, but not the entire time, so sorry if you are not a fan of Laley! Well, anyway, please tell me what you thought of this chapter. Any feedback helps! I will update soon! 


	9. Tragic Stars

A/N: Thank you so much to anyone who has read my story, and a special thanks to those who took their time to review, I really appreciate it so much! I am so sorry that it took me this long to update...I hate that I made you wait! Well, anyway I hope that you enjoy it...

Chapter 9 – Tragic Stars

I tighten my coat as the brisk air slaps me in the face, and sit down on the frozen ground. I have always hated the cold, but right now that isn't really important. It's times like now that I really miss Tina. She was the person that I could always talk to, someone who wouldn't judge me, and would always make me feel better no matter what. Sitting here I wish that she was here to tell me that everything was going to be okay, and that even though I totally messed up every relationship in my life right now, somehow, it would all work out. But for the first time I realized that she isn't coming back, I mean I always _knew, _I just never really let myself _believe _it.

I remember her loving the cold, and the outdoors. She used to drag me outside on clear nights, and we would lie down and look at the stars. I never really appreciated those moments, and had no idea how much I would miss them. As I lay back and look into the sky, I let a small smile form on my lips. I close my eyes and let myself get lost in what used to be. But as the memory quickly fades as I hear someone sit down next to me. It surprises me, I can't think of a single person that would want to follow me. Everyone that I care about hates me.

I cautiously open my eyes afraid of who it could be, and am surprised to find Christine lying down beside me.

"I miss her too you know." I look over at her but make no effort to respond; quite frankly I have nothing to say to her. "Despite what you think I really did care about you guys, you were two of my closest friends, but in all fairness I did live 3,000 miles away."

"I know Christine, and I know that you would have been at the funeral if you could have," I pause and think of what to say next. I want to apologize, but don't really know what to say, so I keep it simple. "I am sorry for everything Christine." It is a heartfelt apology, and I hope that she realizes how sorry I am that I hurt her.

"It's okay, it was a hard time. I'm sorry too." I smile at her, and even though I know that our relationship will never be what it was, it feels good to have her back on my side. Especially because right now she is the only one on my side. "So what happened that made you run out here?"

"I messed up really bad, and hurt everyone I care about in the process." She looks at me and gestures for me to continue. "Well, first of all I cheated on my boyfriend, Nathan, with my best friend, Brooke's, boyfriend, Lucas. They of course caught us, and I ended up deciding to try to have a relationship with Luke. After that I went back to my room where my roommate, Teresa was waiting…

_"Well, well, well, if it isn't the newest skank of Tree Hill, Haley James." I look over a Teresa with disgust and confusion. Did she already know about Lucas and me?_

_"What are you talking about?" She gives me a look that says, 'you know exactly what I am talking about'. I sigh and look at her wearily, "So, how did you find out already?"_

_"Well, Nathan was looking for you at the club, and he asked Brooke if she had see you recently. Of course she hadn't, so they both got a little worried, since you know, your like, unstable." I roll my eyes at her as she continues. "So they asked me if I had seen you, and I told them that I saw you leave with Lucas, so they decided to go find you. They just didn't expect to find you two half naked together." _

_"That doesn't explain how you found out about me and Luke." She looks at me with a 'duh' expression on her face before answering._

_"Um, hello! News travels fast around here. Bevin saw Brooke storm out of the room, so she asked her what was wrong. Then Bevin told Rachel, who told Susie who told Tim, who told Jake, who told Peyton, who told Devon, who told me." Great. That means that everyone thinks I'm a hoe, which I guess technically I am. " I have to say Haley, I can't believe that you would do that to Brooke and Nathan, I mean I am a bitch…and a slut I guess…but even I would never do that to my best friends. That was pretty low." I look at her in disgust, but a part of me totally agrees, that was a horrible thing to do._

_"Teresa, you really have no right to judge me, okay, so save it." _

_"Fine, I wont judge you, but I will offer you some advice. Apologize to both of them as soon as possible. I mean everyone makes mistakes, so I am sure that they will forgive you…with time of course. It was a one time thing, and I am sure they will understand that."_

_"Thanks for the advice, but I am actually dating Luke now, so I can' really tell them it was a one time thing without lying." She looks at me shocked, and disappointed. And that hurts, even though it is Teresa, I still can't help but want her to approve of what I am doing. I really like Luke; it should be okay for me to be with him._

_"Wow. I totally misjudged you. I thought that you were a good person, and not the fake kind of good either, but the genuine kind. The person who puts other people first, and the person who would never hurt anyone on purpose." I hear sadness in her voice, and can't believe that the same girl that tried to rip out my hair in the cafeteria is now here trying to help me. "I guess that was all just an act." She picks up her pillow and blanket and starts walking towards the door. After she walks by me, she turns around. "Haley, I know you don't like me, and that you think that I am just some crazy psycho bitch. But I do have a heart, just like you. I think that you need to listen to it now, because if you do, I think that you will realize that being with Luke for some little fling isn't worth what you are giving up." _

_"It's not a fling, I really like him, and I think that it could be something really special." She shakes her head at me, but doesn't have a mean, or disgusted face anymore, she has a sad face, and it makes me believe that there is something good in everyone, and that maybe I judged her to quickly. She is trying to help me; even though we hate each other…a psycho bitch wouldn't do that._

_"Haley, be real here. It's not going to be something special, it is just two life long friends acting on childhood crushes that were better left in the past." That is not true…is it? "Look, it's your life, so if you think that you should date Lucas, then date Lucas, but think about it first, because once you go there you can't take it back." She turns around and continues walking towards the door. I am in too much shock to answer, but just as she turns the handle I find the words._

_"Where are you going?"_

_"To stay with Bevin, you have a lot of thinking to do, and I am just going to let you do it." I swear that we are in a different galaxy; there is no way that Teresa is being this nice to me. Why am I all of a sudden the slutty bitch, and she is the nice person with a big heart._

_I think back to the day that we got into the fight in the cafeteria. I try to remember what she said that made me so mad at her, I mean before that she just was saying stupid stuff, that was bitchy, but it wasn't cruel or anything. Suddenly I remember, she said something to the affect of all my friends vanishing or something. I was the one that hit her first, and I was the one that totally blew the whole situation out of control. In my mind she has always been this evil person, but maybe I just assumed that, and it wasn't really fair. She's a teenage girl, she is supposed to be bitchy sometimes, I know I am. Especially now._

_"Hey, Teresa." She turns back and looks at me with the door open. "I'm sorry." She raises one of her eyebrows in question. She looks confused, and a little flustered. But I figure that even if she does turn out to be some horrible person, she still did help me out today, and I did kick her ass, so the least that I can do for her is apologize. _

_"For what?"_

_"The cafeteria, and for misjudging you. You are a good person, and it wasn't fair of me to just assume that you were a bitch because of what I heard around school."_

_"I was a bitch to you though Haley. I verbally attached you in the cafeteria, so why would you think that I am a good person all of a sudden?" As I look at her, standing in the doorway with her pillow safely tucked beneath her arm, I see the vulnerable side of her, and know that I was definitely wrong about her at first. I never used to judge people, but now it's like I am a whole new person, and I hate that. _

_"Because, here, tonight, you have been great to me. And while I tried to convince myself that it was just a fluke and that you still had a heart of ice, I realized that it wasn't. You are trying to help me, and even willing to give up the room for me. I don't want us to become like best friends or anything, but I think I get it more." She closes the door and drops her stuff to the floor before gesturing for me to continue. "It a defense thing, I realize that I do it to. If I am threatened by someone, or jealous, or even hurt, then I yell, and try to hurt them to."_

_"You also hit them." A smile plays across her features as she makes that comment. I can't help but let out a little laugh. _

_"Or that. But at the end of the day, your not a bad person, your just like everybody else." _

_"Wow, that was unexpected, and a little weird to be honest with you. I appreciate it, I really do, but I just don't get it." _

_"Well, life's to short to let things go, to stay mad at people. I don't want anymore regrets." Her next move surprises me more than anything else. She hugs me. Then she lets go and picks her stuff up again. "Okay, now I am confused."_

_"You looked like you needed one, and since no one else is around, I had no choice." She opens the door again, but turns around one last time before leaving. "Think everything through Haley, and listen to your heart. Oh, and by the way this doesn't mean we're friends now." Then she slams the door shut, and I stand there slightly hurt and feeling betrayed. Then the door opens again and she pops her head in. "But we're not enemies anymore either." _

"Wow. That was…weird. Who would have guessed that your worst enemy would end up helping you out the most? Kind of ironic." I roll my eyes at Christine and then turn my gaze to the stars. I can tell that she is watching me, but make no effort to look back at her. "I remember that Tina loved stars, and that she would always drag us outside at camp and go on and on about natures beauty. Those were some of the best times that I have ever had." I get kind of teary eyed as I think about the three of us together, and how it used to be. Before Tina died, before I cut Christine out or my life, and before I started hurting everyone around me.

"I miss her Chris. I really do."

"Me too, Hales, but we can't bring her back." I close my eyes to stop the tears as she talks. "But that doesn't mean that you have to stop enjoying your life too." I decide that a change of subject is needed…now.

"Ya, but um…don't you wanna hear the rest of my story?"

"Oh, of course. So Teresa left and them what."

"Then I sat in my room and thought about what I wanted to do. Who I wanted to be with, or if I wanted to be with anyone at all. I came to the conclusion that I was making a mistake with Lucas. Teresa's words just kept playing through my head. "_It's not going to be something special, it is just two life long friends acting on childhood crushes that were better left in the past." _And basically, I decided that she was right. Luke and I are not meant to be together, we are just meant to be friends, and that is it. I feel so safe in his arms because he is my oldest friend, and I love him. But I realized that I am not in love with him. So the next day I tried to avoid him, which I did successfully, unfortunately, I couldn't avoid Brooke…

_I walked down the hallway making sure that Lucas was nowhere insight before running to my room. I opened the door slipped inside and then shut it. Letting out a sigh of relief, I turned around and walked into the room. I jumped a mile when I saw a familiar figure sitting on my bed._

_"Brooke." She gave me an icy smile but remained completely silent. I really didn't know what to say next, I couldn't exactly say, 'hey sorry I stole your boyfriend, still friends.' So we stayed in an awkward silence until she spoke._

_"Well, aren't you going to give me some lame apology or something?"_

_"No." She looked at me in surprise. "I don't want to give you a lame apology Brooke. Honestly, I wish that I could just go back in time and take it all back. But I know I can't, and I am truly sorry that I caused you pain, and that I broke your trust."_

_"I don't get it Hales. I thought that I was your best friend, how could you do that to me? Last time I checked you didn't even like Lucas, and now your making out with him. I just don't understand." I see that her eyes are glossing over with tears and I feel so horrible that I was the one to make my best friend cry. I open my mouth to say something; anything to make her feel better, but nothing comes out. "Give me an answer Hales. Did you think it would be fun to steal my boyfriend? Are you so miserable that you want everyone else to be miserable too? What is it?" By this time she is yelling and tears are continually streaming down her cheeks. _

_"I don't know Brooke, I don't know why I did it. I was upset and he was there…and it just happened." She rolls her eyes and brushes past me. She turns around before opening the door and looks absolutely devastated. Not angry though, just completely crushed. _

_"That's not good enough Haley. I want to understand, I want to be able to forgive you, but how can I when all you can say is that it just happened. I get that everyone makes mistakes. Hell, I make a new mistake everyday, but you don't even seem sorry that it happened. If I am going to forgive then I need answers. Come find me when you have a real reason for me. Until then, don't talk to me Haley." She slams the door shut and leaves me alone to think about what I had done. _

_At least she was willing to forgive me, in time of course. I sat down on the bed and tried to decide why I did kiss Lucas. If she needed a reason then I would find one, but right now I just don't know why I did it. It was the stupidest, and most selfish thing that I have ever done in my life. I hope that she truly can forgive me, and that we can get back to how we once were._

"Okay, so it seems like Brooke and you were going to be okay, what made her change into the hateful Brooke that kept glaring at you all night?" I look at Christine and sigh.

"She found out that I was dating Lucas."

_"You Bitch!" I turned my attention away from Whitey and looked at Brooke. She was late to the meeting that Whitey had called to discuss the rules again, since we had all broken them. Her eyes were on fire and she looked like she was ready to kill someone. I didn't know what could have happened that made her change from the girl that had been in my room earlier, into this pissed off girl. "I can't believe you Haley. I thought that you were a good person; I thought that I could trust you. I really believed that you just made a one-time mistake with Lucas, and that you weren't some crazy boyfriend-stealing whore. But I was wrong." I jump out of my seat and walk toward her, trying to figure out what is going on._

_"What are you talking about Brooke, we just talked like a couple of hours ago and you weren't this mad." She looks at me and shakes her head, and I see the pain and betrayal flash through her eyes._

_"You're dating Lucas! Did you think that I wouldn't find out Hales? We haven't even officially broken up yet and you already moved in on him. I can't believe that I thought that you were my best friend. You are such a bitch. No wonder no one likes you." How did she find out, I haven't even talked to Lucas yet. I need to tell him that we made a mistake, and that we can't be a couple._

_"How did you find out?"_

_"Lucas told Jake, who told Peyton, who told me. You should have told me Hales. I went on and on about how I wanted to forgive you, and all that I wanted was an explanation, but you couldn't give me that because you aren't really sorry."_

_"Yes I am! Brooke, I am not going to date him, I just haven't had a chance to tell him that yet." I try to avoid Lucas' gaze as those words leave my mouth, I really should have told him that in private._

_"Bull shit. Your not sorry, and you are dating him. I can't believe you. Is that why you wanted to be my friend again, so that you could steal my boyfriend from me!" _

_"That's ridiculous Brooke, I would never do that to you."_

_"You did do that to me Haley. I can't believe you. I will never forgive you for this Haley, from now on your dead to me. Everyone's life would have been so much better if you had died in that accident too." My eyes widen as she says this. I know that I hurt her and that I deserve to be punished, but that was just cruel. I look at all of my classmates, especially Nathan, Brooke, and Lucas, and run out of there. I can't be in there with those people, with someone who wishes that I were dead. _

"Wow."

"Ya, I know. God, Christine, I don't know how I let this happen. That wasn't even the worst of it."

"What did you do after that, I mean how did you even begin to handle that." I looked at her and gave her a sad smile.

"I didn't handle it, instead I went to the only person who couldn't talk back to me. I went to Tina."

_It was late now, and I had just been sitting outside on a bench in a park nearby for hours. I couldn't even begin to process what had become of my life. I had been doing so good, a great boyfriend, a best friend, and then I had to let stupid hormones get in the way, and I ruined everything. When Tina died, I remembered thinking that it couldn't get any worse, but I was wrong. _

_I have been like a black hole since that fateful night. If only she had let me drive, I would have been taken and she could still be here. She never would have made such a horrible mess out of her life. She would never still her best friends boyfriend, and cause pain to everyone around her. _

_I have ruined everyone that I touch, and Brooke is right, it should have been me that night; I should have been taken too, or instead of her. Tina wasn't supposed to die, not yet, if she was still here then everything would be okay, everything would be normal again._

_"Why did you die Tina? Huh" I look up into the sky and can't help but yell into the night. "You should have fought harder to stay alive. You shouldn't have gotten in that car. You should have seen the swerving driver and known that something was wrong." For the first time as I talk to her, no tears fall, but every word is filled with pain, and hate._

_"You did this to me. You left me alone. You were the one who kept me sane, and good. But you just had to die didn't you. I needed you here but you had to die! Why couldn't you have done something more, why didn't you try harder to stay alive. This is all your fault. Everything, the pain that I feel and caused. You should have let my drive. You should still be here. I needed you and you left me, you always promised to never leave me alone. Everytime I was hurt or sad, you would say that you would always be there no matter what. So where the hell are you now! I need you to be here. You lied to me, you left me!" By now I am full out screaming at the sky, and gesturing wildly with my hands. "You left me alone, and I hate you for it. Did you hear that I said that I hate you! I am glad that you are dead! You lied! I hate you!" I didn't cry. I didn't feel sorry, I felt alive, and it felt good._

I wait to hear Christine's reaction to that. After I had done it it had felt liberating and good, but not anymore, now it made me feel sick. Tina didn't deserve any of that, and I can't believe I would stoop that low.

"That was harsh. But I get it." Her voice is small, and I know that it was a lot for her to take in, especially because I am pouring all of this on her after 6 months of not even talking.

"I kept to myself after that. I didn't speak a word to anyone until tonight. At the game. I didn't want to go but Whitey said that I had to because I was here as a fan, so I needed to go to the game and watch them play. So I did and that was when it all happened. That was when I realized that I lost everyone that I cared about."

_"You shouldn't be here." I glanced up to see Brooke standing over me. "Don't you think that you have done enough? Go home Haley." I stand up from my spot on the bleachers and look her directly in the eyes._

_"No, Brooke, listen, you can hate me all that you want to, and if you want to then you can wish that I was dead, but I have every right to be here and I am not leaving." I stare her down and she just scoffs, before walking away._

_"Oh, but Haley, remember that payback is a bitch." I wonder what she means by that as I sit back down and try to regain my composure. When I finally am calm again, a shadow is cast over me and I look up to see Nathan scowling down at me. This isn't going to be good._

_"Nathan, look before you say anything I just want to say that-"_

_"Who cares what you want to say Haley? I put my self out there, I gave you my heart, which was a big deal for me, and all that you did was trample all over it. I just wanted to tell you that you are a cheating whore, and that in case you couldn't figure it out, we're done." He walked away without another word and felt tears spring into my eyes. I can't believe that I let myself hurt everybody this much. _

_I managed to hold back the tears and keep a fake smile plastered on my face until Lucas came over. He looked even more torn up than the two before him. He was so upset and looked like he was on a warpath._

_"Haley." I have never heard one word carry some much venom and pain in my entire life. "What the hell happened, when I saw you last, you know before you started avoiding me, we decided to be together, and then you just change your mind and tell me in front of everyone?"_

_"Luke, I am really sorry but, I thought about it, and we just weren't right together. I know that I changed my mind really quickly, and that sucks for you, but Teresa said something that made a lot of sense." He rolls his eyes, which look ready to burn a hole in me, and starts yelling, the kind of yelling that causes an entire room, or in this case gym to freeze and listen._

_"You listened to Teresa? Why would you do that? How could you whip me around the way that you did. I thought that we liked each other, that we were both all in, and that I was taking a chance with someone who wouldn't break my heart. But you did Haley. We used to be best friends, and I truly loved you, and maybe we shouldn't have been a couple, I mean I don't think I could ever love you like Brooke, but you should have talked to me about it."_

_"I was going to I just-"_

_"Save it Haley. I don't care, it doesn't even matter, all that does matter is that you are worth nothing to me now. You are just a desperate slut who wants everyone else to miserable must because she is. You are pathetic Haley, it is really sad that you can't get over something that happened 7 moths ago. You act all sad that Tina is gone, but who knows what horrible things you did to her Haley. I hate you now, and you can do whatever that hell you want to, but just now that you are nothing to me, and that is never going to change." He walked away and I glanced at all of the faces of people that were now judging me. I waited for people to start talking again, but everyone just sat in silence and waited for my next move. So I did what I always do, and I ran._

"That is how I ended up out here. Alone. Because everyone that cared about me hates me now, and it's all my fault." Christine looks over at me and pulls me into a hug.

"You still have me Hales." I lean into her arms and look at the stars again, and silently tell Tina that I love her, and that I didn't mean what I said earlier that night. I feel a calm wash over me and know that she has forgiven me, just like she always does. I little light of hope flickers inside of me as I lay in Christine's arms. Maybe it will turn out all right in the end. Maybe I can fix it.

A/N: Thank you so much for reading and please review to let me know what you thought of it. I am going to try and get the next chapter done by Wednesday...but no promises, but Iwill definatley have it up by Friday. Please tell me what you thought, what you liked, hated, was it boring? Any suggestions? Please let me know, the only way to get better is to get feedback!


	10. Broken Choices

A/N: Sorry that it took longer to update than I said, I had some trouble logging in. ANway, thank you so much to **PrOzAc KiD, iftheyonlyknewthetruth, Nathanlvr, lilmonkeygirl31,Haley Youmans, **and** deli41321 **for giving me reviews. I really appreciate the feedback!

Chapter 10 – Broken Choices

I pulled the box off of the top shelf in the closet and put it in my lap. Taking off the lid, I reached inside and grabbed the stack of pictures. I looked at the top one and smiled at how happy I looked in it. It was a little over a year ago and it was a picture of Brooke and I with mud smeared all over our clothes and faces, along with huge smiles…

_"Tree Hill always looks so beautiful after it rains." I smile as Brooke links arms with me. Before I could respond I trip over my own foot and went flying to the muddy ground, taking Brooke with me. I landed face first, while Brooke landed on top of me. I stood up and spit out some mud, laughing._

_"Oh my god, I am such a klutz, I cannot believe that I just fell like that." Brooke brushed off the tiny bit of dirt that was on her and looked at me._

_"I know, and I cannot believe that you took me with you. Well…at least I had you to stop me from getting any mud on my beautiful outfit." Looking at my mud covered jeans, and feeling the dirt on my face, I decided that Brooke needed to get a little dirty herself._

_I walked over to her and pulled her into the mud. She gasped and looked at her outfit in horror. "I cannot believe you Haley, I didn't want to get dirty."_

_"Last time I checked you didn't seem to have a problem getting dirty, Brooke, in fact your kinda known for it." She gasped and threw a clump of mud at me, before we both burst out laughing and collapsed into the mud. Grabbing her camera our of her purse Brooke pulled me close to her and snapped a picture, claiming it was 'so the perfect moment.'_

I smiled as I put the picture down, I missed those days, now that I have screwed everything up I doubt that I will every have those carefree days with Brooke again. I messed up with everyone, but before I can try and get the Scott brothers to forgive me I need to get my best friend back. Of course since I hurt her the most, she is going to be the hardest to convince to forgive me.

So far I have been completely lame and have sat at home in my bed sulking. But now I have missed three days of school, and while I am light years ahead of most of the people in my grade I can't bring myself to miss another day.

It's 5am, and I have at least another hour before I even need to begin to think about getting ready for school. I just sit there and wait, and watch each minute tick by, wishing that I could turn the clock backwards and fix the mess that I made. I get dressed in jeans and a baggy sweatshirt and pull my hair up into a ponytail. I walk out the door into the sunlight, and want to turn around and run back inside, but I force myself to keep going. I need to deal with this now, or I never will.

"Haley, your finally back." I turn around to see Teresa smiling at me, this girl is just full of surprises. I raise my eyebrow questioningly at her; she had made it pretty clear that we weren't friends, so I don't really know why she is here now. "How are you holding up, after everything that happened?"

"I'm okay." She gives me a 'ya right' look.

"Look, Hales, I am the only one you have right now, and until you fix things with the other people, you are going to be stuck with me. So you might want to try and at least be honest with me. You are clearly not doing okay." She pulls me into a hug as the bell rings, and then walks off down the hallway, turning around to say one final word. "It will get better Haley, I promise."

I watch her walk off and a small wave of relief washes over me, at least I have one person that is on my side. I quickly grab my books out of my locker and head to class, I am already late. Unfortunately I have first period with Nathan today. When I walk into the room he looks at me with such hatred that I almost turn around and leave. But I force myself to sit in my seat and just stare at my books. This is going to be a long day.

Somehow I made it through the first half of the day, and now I have the biggest challenge of all…where to sit. Holding my tray of food I quickly scan the cafeteria, hoping to find an empty table. Spotting one I go and sit, realizing how lame I must look eating alone, and wishing that Teresa had this lunch. I eat quietly and can't help but notice that people are looking at me, and possibly talking about me. That is the worst part about living in a small town…everyone knows your business.

"Mind if I sit?" I look up and see Kelly. I am surprised that she wants to sit with me, I mean I have known her forever, and we have been in the same classes a bunch of times but we hardly ever talk and we certainly aren't friends. But still, I am grateful to have the company.

"Not at all, I would love the company." She smiles and sits across from me. "Not to be rude of anything, but why exactly do you want to sit with me, I am not really anyone's favorite person right now." Laughing a little she flashes me a big smile and explains.

"That is why I am sitting with you, because there is nothing worse than sitting alone. Trust me I know." Thinking about it I remember that last year Kelly had a big blowout with her best friend Molly and ended up losing all of her friends in the process. She has some new friends now, but it is comforting to know that she can understand way I am going through.

"Oh, yeah, I remember hearing about that last year. So did you and Molly ever make-up?" She shakes her head and I see sadness pass through her eyes.

"No, we said some pretty harsh things, and hurt each other pretty bad. We just couldn't go back to being friends after that. Actually I think that the biggest mistake that we made was that we waiting too long to apologize. The longer you wait to fix it, the worse it gets." I nod my head and look at her sympathetically.

"I am really sorry Kelly." She waves me off with her hand and smiles brightly.

"Don't worry about it. I have new friends now, and that is all in the past anyway. Actually I am worried about you. I noticed that you haven't been in school for three days. Although it was nice not to have you head blocking the board in math." I laugh with her and it feels good. I have been so solemn lately and it feels nice to just have a normal, happy conversation.

"Yeah, I wasn't really ready to come to school yet, but I finally sucked it up and came today, and let me tell you it has been great. Brooke and Nathan shoot daggers at me whenever they see me, and Lucas just looks so hurt. He never was the type to get mad. But trust me, it is so much worse to know that I hurt him." She gives me a sympathetic smile, but then changes it to a bright smile instead.

"Haley, I am so sorry that your life sucks right now. But you know what will make you feel better?" I shake my head. "A party. Nothing is better for pain than boys, music, dancing and alcohol."

"Actually, it was alcohol that go me into this whole mess in the first place, so I am going to have to pass." She shakes her head and I know that she is going to drag me to this party no matter what I say.

"Okay, so no alcohol. Trust me though, if you come to this party with me I will make you forget all of the drama of your life, at least for the night."

"Fine. I'll go." A few seconds later the bell rang and Kelly and I walked off to class, and it felt great to not have to walk alone.

I checked my outfit in the mirror one more time and then went downstairs to wait for Kelly to pick me up. I wore a light pink tank top with low rise jeans, and I curled my hair and wore it down.

Kelly had been great to have with me at school over the last few days. She always had a way of making me smile, and I am so excited for her to give me a night of fun that will help me forget how much my life sucks right now.

I hear her car pull up so I run out the door and get in. She smiles at me and drives us to the party. Walking up the driveway I already hear the music blaring and see some staggering teens. I really hope that I don't see Brooke or the Scott's tonight, even though they will most likely be here.

"Come on Hales." Kelly grabs my arm and pulls me through the house and into a bedroom. There are about five other people in there already and I recognize them as her friends. She closes the door and I look at her waiting for an explanation.

I don't have to wait long because one of her friends hands her a joint, which she holds out to me. I look at it but make no move to grab it. I part of me wants to, but the sensible part is saying that it is a horrible idea. Ten eyes are on me as I try and make a decision. Kelly sees me struggling.

"It's okay Hales. It is worth it, trust me. You will forget all of your problems." I hear my mom's voice telling me to jus say no, and remember all of those health classes where the teacher lectured on drugs killing your brain, and the stupid choices you can make under the influence. Looking me in the eyes, Kelly says, "Trust me Haley, you will like it. I am your friend, I wouldn't lie to you." She called me her friend and right now she is the only friend I have so I can't lose her too. I reach out and grab it from her hand.

Here goes nothing. As I bring it to my lips I am nervous, but I just keep thinking over and over again, 'you will forget all of your problems'. Right now is the only thing that matters, I need to forget, and if this is the way to do it, then I will. As I take my first hit I know that I will never be the same. Today is the first day of the new Haley.

A/N: I know that it was kinda short, I promise that the next one will be longer. Please review and tell me what you thought...thanks so much! I will update as soon as I can!


	11. Empty Promises

A/N: Sorry that it took me so long to update, I have no excuse and I am really sorry that I made you guys wait so long. I really appreaciate all of the reviews that I got! Especially the suggestions! Thank you so much for reading, and her is the next chapter...

Chapter 11 – Empty Promises

I lay awake and stare at my ceiling. There is a crack in it right above me bed and I find myself fascinated with it. It has slowly been getting bigger and bigger, growing and scratching a tiny bit each day. It reminds me of how my life has been lately. Ever since that party two weeks ago my life has been slowly ripping apart. I never thought that I would do drugs, and I never thought that I would enjoy it….but I do, for the most part. I am still slightly uncomfortable with drugs, but the feeling that they give me is totally worth it. Still, after every time, I swear that I will never do it again, because it is wrong, and dangerous, and not the girl that I want to be, but then I see Brooke glare at me in the hallway, of Lucas ignores me, and suddenly I am lighting up again.

I feel myself spiraling out of control, and I know that with hit I am floating farther away form who I used to be, but I can't stop it. I don't have the strength to tear myself away from the one thing that makes me feel good, even thought I know that in the end it will be what destroys me. I find myself staring at my ceiling often, it needs to be painted, and numerous other cracks crowd the ceiling. I wait for my alarm to go off before I get out of bed, and then it takes all of my strength just to stand up. It's going to be a long day.

"Hales, wait up!" I look over my shoulder and smile at Kelly as she runs up to me and links her arm through mine. She has been like a shining light through all of my darkness, and I would be so lost without her. "We're partying tonight, it's at some rich kids beach house, you in?"

"Totally, I need to blow off some steam." The bell rings and she unhooks her arm from mine, and starts to walk off in the opposite direction.

"Great, I'll pick you up at eight, okay?" She doesn't wait for an answer but instead blends in with the crowd.

I walk to my locker, not caring that I will be late for class. The hallways empty and I stand at my locker looking in my magnetic mirror hanging on the door. I smile into it, but quickly catch how wrong it looks, like my face just shouldn't be smiling. I close the locker quickly, not in the mood to deal with my reflection right now. I hear someone clear their throat behind me, and I turn around to face a pissed off Brooke with her arms folded over her chest.

"So, what Haley, you're too good to go to class now?" I look at her and think about just walking away, or telling her that I am sorry again, but honestly, I am sick of being the good girl, and always do the right thing. I have already been ripped off my pedestal, so why not take it a step further.

"You know what Brooke, if you want to hate me that's fine, I don't really care anymore. But if that is the case than I would appreciate it if you would just leave me the hell alone, because right now, you are just being pathetic." I don't even wait for her response, but just turn on me heel and walk away, suddenly class sounds pretty good.

* * *

Holding my lunch tray in my hands I look around the cafeteria. Today is Friday, which means that the weekend is quickly approaching, but it also means that I don't have lunch with Kelly, so I have to either sit alone, or with people who hate me. I finally settle on sitting at the end of a table alone. I keep my eyes steady on my macaroni and cheese. I hate high school.

"Hey." I look up and am relieved to see Teresa sitting across from me. I haven't talked to her since two weeks before, and I realize now that I have been avoiding her. I have a feeling that if she looks at me, she'll see right through me and just know that something is up.

"Hi."

"So, how have you been?" I shrug and continue to pick at my macaroni and cheese. It is seriously disgusting.

"Fine." I don't even look up and I find myself hoping that she wil leave.

"Okay." She looks around before standing up. "I guess I will see you later then."

I just nod in return and focus on my food. As soon as she is completely gone I look around the cafeteria, everyone is laughing with their friends and all that I have is this plastic-y Mac and cheese. I stand up and dump the food in the trash can before leaving the cafeteria.

I find myself missing my old life, the life where I was happy, and for the first time I am not thinking of a time before the accident, but instead of a time before the stupid cheerleading competition. I miss who I was then. Closing my eyes I shake off the thoughts of my loneliness, I have Kelly, and I will be fine. I walk down the empty silent hallway, and the feeling is all to familiar.

* * *

"Haley, I didn't think that I would see you here." I look up and come face to face with Teresa for the second time today. I take a sip of my drink and smile at her.

"Ya, well, I have really gotten into parties lately. I never realized how fun they were." She nods at me skeptically, but then just smiles. Kelly comes up behind me and whispers in my ear that it is time for the real party to begin. I quickly wave goodbye to Teresa and let Kelly drag me off.

We are just about to let the real part y begin when suddenly the door swings open to reveal Teresa standing there with a hand on her hip. She comes in the room and grabs my arm dragging me out of the room, leaving three other speechless girls behind.

"What are you doing Teresa?"

"Funny, I was just about to ask you the same thing. You acted so weird at lunch and everyone knows that Kelly is a pothead, so I had to stop you. Have you completely lost your mind?" I roll my eyes at her and try to walk away.

"Spare me the lecture, okay?" She grabs my arm and pulls me back to her. I see a fire burning in her eyes that reminds me of someone else.

"No, Haley, it isn't okay, apparently you have no one else, so I guess that I have to be the one to tell you how completely stupid you are being right now. I know that you are smarter than this Haley, so what the hell is going on inside of your head, were you even thinking…." Her voice starts to fade out as it brings me back to a different time…

_"I can't believe you Haley! Smoking, Smoking! What are you, a total idiot. It gives you lung cancer and a cough that never goes away, and it addictive." I look at Tina ashamed and try to think of some excuse to give her for why I took the cigarette._

_"It was only one, I just wanted to try it, it is no big deal, Tina." She throws her arms up in the air and shakes her head in disbelief. _

_"Only once, Only once! It's addictive Hales, that means that it is never only once." She takes a deep breathe to calm down and looks me right in the eye. "It better have been only once Hales, because it starts with a cigarette and then your smoking pot or something like that._

_"I would never do that Tina, I only smoked because it looked like it could be kind of fun, but it wasn't. I felt like I ran into a fire and inhaled all of the smoke." Pulling me into a hug she almost whispered._

_"Good, because I don't want to ever hear that you do any type of drug ever again, okay? You are so much better and cooler than that."_

_"Okay."_

_"Promise me, because I don't ever want to lose you Haley, and since your parents are total flakes it looks like I am in charge of the lectures, and keeping you safe. I love you hales, and don't want to lose you, so promise me."_

_"I promise."_

I am broken out of the memory by Kelly's voice.

"So, are you coming or what Hales?" I look between her and Teresa and hear my own voice echo in my head _I promise._ Suddenly their isn't enough air in the room and I find myself running, I tear through the party shoving everyone around me out of my way. My feet hit the beach and I run until I cannot anymore. I collapse into the sand and just stare into the ocean. I wait for the tears, but they don't come, instead an emptiness falls over me, and I find myself praying for tears, or pain, or anything. The hollowness that I feel now is killing me and I am finally ready to stop running. I need to face what I did, and how much I hurt everyone I cared about. Finally one tear streams down my cheek, and just like that it is like a dam breaks, and they come pouring down.

I put my head in my hands and let the pain overcome me. I feel completely broken and find a satisfaction for the fact that I can now start to piece my self back together. As the sobs consume my body I feel to strong arms wrap around me and pull me close. I don't even have to look up to know who it is. He pulls me completely into his lap and strokes my hair gently. I look up into his eyes and whisper the only words that I can.

"I am so sorry Nathan."

"Shhh Hales, it's okay. It's all going to be okay." I let him rock me back and forth until the tears stop, and then we just sit their together, and I feel a calm wash over me, and even though it is only for a minute, it gives me hope, that maybe I can fix the mess I made, because right now in his arms, I feel like I can do anything.

A/N: Thanks for reading and I hope that you enjoyed the chapter, but whatever you thought about let me know... I love reviews, good, bad, and otherwise. I will try to updat faster this time!


	12. Scattered Tears

A/N: Thank you so much for reviewing, I felt bad about how long I took to updat last time, so I updated as quickly as possible this time. I hope you enjoy it, and as always thank you for reading!

Chapter 12 – Scattered Tears

There are only a few moments in life that you know that you will look back on and know that it was a moment that changed everything. Sometimes for the worst and sometimes for the better. Recently I have had my fair share of worst, and it is nice to finally have a moment that I will always treasure. Being on the beach with Nathan holding me in his arms is perfect, and if I could even stop time, now would be when I would do it.

The silence was nice, but I knew that eventually we would have to talk about everything that has happened between us, and to me since. We didn't talk on the beach though, instead he stood up, and I was sure that he was going to walk away, but he reached down and took my hand to help me up, and didn't let go until we were in his car.

We drove in complete silence until we reached my house. I wanted to say something so bad but just couldn't find the words. I got out of the car and closed the door, and wondered if he was going to come in with me, or drive away and forget that any of this happened. After a few seconds I decided not wonder anymore, it is time that I take control of what happens to me. I walked around to his door and opened it, and somehow found the courage to break the silence.

"Do you wanna come in? I really think that we should talk." I held my breath as I waited for his response and was happy when he unbuckled and stepped out of the car.

As we sat next to each other on the couch silence once again overwhelmed us. But this time it wasn't peaceful, it was awkward, and as much as I don't want to talk about everything that happened, I know that I need to suck it up and face it.

"I am really sorry Nathan, for everything." He looks at me and urges me to continue with his eyes. I turn my body to face him more and let the words that have been stuck floating around in my head come pouring out. "The thing with Lucas, it meant nothing, and I wanted to tell you that after it happened but I was so confused. After you and Brooke left the room, I talked to Luke, and it seemed as though we had something between us, and it took me a little while to figure out that I did love him, but only as a friend."

"Then why did I hear that you were dating him?"

"Because, we decided to give a relationship a try, but then I talked to Teresa and she made me realize what a mistake that I had made. But before I got the chance to tell Luke that we couldn't be together Brooke had found out that we were dating." I wipe away that tears that are flowing down my cheek and look him right in the eye. "I didn't want to hurt you Nathan, and I still really care about you, but it was just to hard for me to be in a relationship. And it's not that I didn't want to be, it's just that I was so sure that you would realize that I wasn't good enough for you and that you would leave me. So I ruined it myself." He looks at me slightly confused.

"That doesn't make any sense Haley. How is it any better that you end the relationship than if I did. Not that I was going to."

"I don't know Nate. I just thought that it would hurt less if I was the one who ended it. But I was wrong, and I am so sorry Nathan. If I could take it back I would. I really care about you, and these past couple of weeks I have really missed you." The tears are streaming down my face at this point. I didn't even know how much I missed him until he was sitting right he with me. I was so stupid in everything that I did. I really thought that I was protecting myself, but it turns out that I was just hurting myself more. "Do you think that you can ever forgive me Nathan?"

He looks at me, and his expression is unreadable. I silently pray that he will be able to forgive me, and at least let me be his friend. He takes both of my hands in his and looks into my eyes in a loving way.

"Of course I can forgive you Haley. I was hurt when it happened, but I have had time to think about it now, and I know that everyone makes mistakes. I sure have. I really care about you Hales, and I am sorry too."

"For what?"

"For not realizing how broken you were. I fell for the act that you put up and I should have been able to see that underneath it were slowly crumbling." I look up at him, and am surprised that he is so understanding. Every word he is saying just makes me like him more.

"Nathan, it's not your fault, I hade months to perfect my act, you couldn't see through it because I didn't want you too. But it's different now, I am different. I don't want to hide anymore. I am at rock bottom, and completely shattered, and now I am ready to start piecing everything back together. I just hope that you will help me do it." He pulls me into his arms and I start to fell better already.

"I will always be here Haley, no matter how hard you try to push me away." I smile and feel like a huge weight has been lifted form my shoulders. Of course there are still two more weights names Luke and Brooke. But this is a start. "Oh ya, and Haley, what happened that made you run out of that party so fast?"

"Some of my stupider decisions caught up with me." He looks at me confused but just nods his head. "I tell you all about it later, but right now, this moment is just too perfect to ruin." We sat their together on my couch just holding onto each other for at least an hour, before we finally broke apart, since he had to go home, and I needed to sleep. But before he left he gave me a quick kiss and a promise to call me later. Maybe things would work out.

* * *

Ding Dong

I slowly dragged myself out of bed and went to answer the door. Who knew that crying at the beach all night was so tiring. I open the door and am surprised to see Teresa standing there. She gives me a small smile and I open the door wider so that she can come in.

"Hey. I um, just wanted to come by and make sure that everything was okay." I give her a warm smile to let her know that I am not going to bite her head off. "You know you kind of freaked me out last night, the way that you just sprinted out of the party. You sure do know how to make an exit."

"I'm fine. I had been avoiding feeling anything, and it just all came pouring down on me at once. And I freaked." She nodded her head and we both stood their awkwardly. "Oh, and thank you for stopping me from making another mistake. I haven't had any real friends lately and it means a lot that you were there for me."

"Oh, no problem. I am sorry, though, that I gave you a lecture and stuff, it isn't really me business anyway."

"No, that was fine, in fact, that was exactly what I needed. You have been a really good friend to me Teresa, and I hope that I can start being one back." She smiled and walked over to me giving me a hug. I returned it and was so glad to have her as a friend.

"so, who would have thought that the two of us would become friends?" I pull away from the hug and give her a genuine smile.

"Sometime, life surprises you."

* * *

This was going to be hard, Nathan was the easiest one to get to forgive me, but Brooke, well I will be lucky if she doesn't slam the door in my face. After Teresa left I spent some time thinking about how lucky I am to have her, and how much I don't deserve it.

I know that Brooke hates me right now, and that it will be hard to even get her to listen to me. But we need to word out everything that has happened between us, and it goes way past just what happened between me and Lucas. Before Tina died, we were inseparable, but after that I just threw her out of my life, and I don't think that either one of us has forgiven me for it.

We are best friends, through the good and the bad and I need to make her see that we can work through this, and that if we just trust each other, because as great as it is to have Nathan and Teresa backing me up, I really need Brooke to help me get through this.

It is completely selfish of me to even ask Brooke for help now, after everything that I have done to her. But I know that sometimes in life you need to be selfish, and you need to ask for help, no matter how hard it might be.

Finally getting the courage I knock on her door, missing all of the times that I would just burst through it and into her arms…

_"Brooke, Brooke are you home?" I opened her front door and closed it behind me as I waited for her to answer. I ran up the steps and almost collided with her as she ran down them. She immediately pulled me into a hug when she saw the tears on my face._

_"what happened Hales?" She led me down the stairs and we collapsed onto her blue fluffy couch together. _

_"My parents called, and guess what? They can't make if home for my birthday. I know that it is so stupid to cry, I mean I am almost 16 years old and I am crying like a baby just because of my stupid parents." _

_"You are not a baby Haley James. You are one of the strongest people I know. And forget your stupid parents, you have me. I am going to make sure that your sixteenth birthday is a day that you will always remember." She hugs me tighter and I feel completely safe._

_"I love you Brooke, you are like the sister I never had." She laughs at me and replies._

_"You have three sisters Hales."_

_"I know, but you are the one that I never had, which is one that I actually like." She laughs and shoves me away, before getting serious._

_"We're family Hales, and no matter what we will always be there for each other."_

The door swings open and Brooke looks at me surprised. I take a calming breathe and look her in the eyes.

"I need you Brooke, and I know that you hate me right now, but you are my family, and I can't survive without you." I wait for a reply, but don't get one, so I continue. "I made so many mistakes, more than you even know, because I was hiding form all of the pain that I felt. I am ready to stop hiding and face it, but I need you Brooke. I am still your best friend, and I just hope that you are still mine. I need you Brooke, and I am so sorry for everythi…" I don't get to finish because she slams the door in my face, leaving me to walk down her long pathway and to my car alone. I thought that I had hit rock bottom, but it turns out that there was even farther to fall.

* * *

Thank you for reading, and please review with what you thought about it. I will not be able to update until at least Wednesday, but I will definatly have it up by Friday. 


	13. Hidden Blessings

A/N: I am so sorry that it took me so long to update. I have no excuse. I hope that you guys still want to read my story, and as always I really appreciate the reveiws that I get! I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Chapter 13 – Hidden Blessings

"Hey Hales. What's wrong, you don't look so good." I don't answer as I turn my lock to each number, 26-14-7, and stay completely silent except for the frustrated sigh that I let out as I tug on my lock and it reuses to budge. I try it three more times before throwing my backpack to the ground and then sliding down next to it. Teresa slides down next to me and looks at me clearly waiting for me to say something.

"Life sucks." Teresa raises her eyebrows at me but lets me continue. "That's what's wrong, Teresa. Life sucks. Everytime something good happens something horrible has to follow it. I mean really, what is the point in being happy when tragedy is lurking around the corner." I lean my head against my locker in defeat and sign deeply.

"Wow. So…what happened exactly. You seemed a lot happier the other day and now you are all dramatic and sad." I consider telling her about Brooke, but decide that it would be to hard to talk about, saying that Brooke wants absolutely nothing to do with me out loud will make it so much more real, and honestly I am not ready for that.

"Nothing, it's just that Nathan forgave me, and we are good right now, but I can't help but feel like something is going to go terribly wrong soon." She gives me a sympathetic smile and stands up before pulling me up with her.

"Nothing is going to go wrong Haley. You need to just relax, and since you seem to be having some trouble with that, I am going to help you. After my cheerleading practice we can go to the spa. Nothing is more calming than a deep tissue massage. My treat, okay?" I smile and pull her into a hug, it is so great to have her as a friend right now.

"That's sounds great Teresa, thanks."

"No problem, I'll meet you in the gym after practice." I agree and with a wave she walks off down the hallway leaving me to battle with my locker. After four more tries the lock finally gives in and opens for me. Well at least something is finally going right. I grab my books and head down the hallway towards my English classroom.

"Haley." I hear my name being called and turn around to face someone I was not yet ready to face.

"Hey Kelly." I stop walking and try and think of a way to tell her that I can't hang out with her anymore. I am not even sure that she will care but I don't want to insult her or her life style.

"So what happened to you the other night at the party, you just totally flipped. It was really weird." I look at her and try to think of a explanation for her, one that will satisfy her and justify my actions, but suddenly I realize that it doesn't matter. I don't need to have the perfect answer.

"I just wasn't into the party anymore, guess. Listen, Kelly, I have had a lot of fun this week, and I really appreciate you being there for me, but the whole drug scene isn't really me, and I think that it would be better if we didn't hang out so much anymore." I held my breathe as I waited for her answer, I really hope that she isn't mad. Before she gets and chance to answer Nathan walks up behind me.

"Hey Hales." He puts his arm around my waist and gives a quick hello to Kelly as well. Suddenly Kelly's face lights up with anger.

"Oh, I see how it is Haley. I was only good enough to hang around when you had no one else, but now that you are back with Mr. superstar over here, suddenly you don't want to hang around me anymore. You know what, I don't need you and don't even try and tell my that you aren't into 'my scene' because Haley you belonged there, and you will come back, so you mind as well get off of your high horse now princess." With that she walked away leaving a confused Nathan, and a very flustered me behind.

"What was that all about?" Huh, good question.

"Honestly, I am not sure, but I guess I hurt her feelings." Nathan looks at me unconvinced but drops the subject.

"Okay. Well, anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to go and get dinner tonight, maybe around 7. We could go to Karen's café, nothing to fancy or anything." I smile up at him, glad that things are going well with at least one person.

"That would be great." The bell rings and he gives me a kiss on the cheek before walking towards his class. I think that today is going to be a good day.

* * *

Never get your hopes up, ever, because once you think that something is going good, it is going to crumble. I learned that lesson a long time ago but forgot it and now I have paid the price. I made the mistake of thinking that today was going to be a good day. That nothing was going to go wrong and that I could just relax and enjoy life for one day. But for some reason the world is out to get me and my day of peace was shattered.

I look around at all of the machines beeping around me and try to resist the urge to pull the IV out of my arm and run as far away from this place as possible. I hate the smell, the white walls, but most of all the memories. The last time I had to be in one of these places I had to find out that my best friend was dead. This time no one died, no one but me was hurt, but I can't escape the feeling that some terrible news is coming.

As I look around the empty hospital room I realize that now I have truly hit rock bottom. I feel it, no matter what other tragedy I suffer, nothing can ever top this moment, this feeling, and I know that. I feel so hopeless, even more so then when I lost Tina, and when I lost my friendship with Brooke. I feel like I am so far beyond help that no one can reach me here.

I close my eyes and wonder if anyone is outside in the waiting room wondering if I am okay or not. I assume that Teresa and Nathan are here, but besides that I am clueless. My parents were probably called but who knows if they had the time to came and see me. I find myself wishing that Brooke and Luke would be here, but the chances are pretty slim. They have both made it pretty clear that they want nothing to do with me. This accident doesn't change anything.

I wonder if anyone is allowed to come in and see me, or if no one wants too. It has been what feels like at least an hour or so since the doctor came in to let me know what was wrong with me. 'You are a lucky girl' he had said, and I had to hold in a laugh. This is what he calls lucky? Please. He had continued with, 'Only two of your ribs are broken and you have a fracture in your ankle bone. You also suffered a minor concussion so it is normal if you don't remember everything that happened today.' I nodded my head to show that I was listening but honestly I wasn't that interested in what was wrong with me exactly. I already knew that I was going to live, and could tell what was injured by where the casts and bandages were. And from the looks of it, I only broke the ribs and my ankle, the rest was just some cuts and scraps.

Unfortunately for me, I do remember everything that happened up till the accident. It's after that that is a total blank. I remember meeting Teresa in the gym after practice, that was fun…

_"Hey Haley." I smile at Teresa but before I am able to answer Brooke interrupts us._

_"Sorry, but this is a closed practice." I think about just walking away or apologizing, but I am sick of being a doormat, if Brooke doesn't want to be my friend then fine._

_"Hmmm. That's funny." I respond in a slightly bitchy tone that matches Brooke's, "It looks like a finished practice to me, considering the fact that there are only five cheerleaders left and they are all packing up their stuff to leave." I give Brooke a tight smile before turning to Teresa. "I'll meet you outside okay?" She nods and I turn and walk away without looking back._

_I step outside and all of my bravado and carelessness fade away. That was so not the way to get Brooke as my friend. Sometime I swear that my brain and my mouth are not connected. I hear the doors of the school open and close and turn around to see Brooke coming outside with Peyton following right behind. I see her look right at me as she says to Peyton, "I mean the girl is such a bitch now, what the hell happened to her?" I don't want to have another confrontation with her so I decide to wait for Teresa at her car._

_I look both ways before crossing the street like I always do, and I walk across the bold white lines painted on the street like I am supposed to. There are no cars in sight when I step onto the road, but when I am halfway across I look to my left and see a car fly around the corner right before the crosswalk, and the next thing I know I am flattened on the pavement fading into darkness._

That's two now. Two car accidents in a year, but this time no one was drunk, I wasn't in a car even, all I did was cross a street, and some idiot who thought it would be smart to dig around for her lipstick right as she turned a corner was the reason why I was stuck in this whiter prison. I hate hospitals, I hate cars, and I hate her, what was her name again, oh yes, Jillian. Jillian is 26 years old and decided to take a short cut through the school so she wouldn't be late for her date. The police had come in to tell me the story to fill in the blanks, just like they had they day Time died.

This time it was a happy ending though. No one died, no one's life was shattered. This wasn't a tragedy. This was a miracle, a blessing. It was a miracle that I survived, that Jillian hit her brakes fast enough not to completely run over me. I am so lucky that my worst injury was a minor concussion. I should be thrilled that I will heal.

Do I sound bitter? That's because I am. It is not a miracle that Jillian hit her brakes, what would have been a miracle is if she had hit then a tiny bit earlier and didn't hit me at, or if she actually watched the road and noticed that she needed to stop. I am not lucky that I will heal, I am not lucky that I lived, luck has nothing to do with it. I was lucky when I survived the first car crash, but this time, it's like God won't let me die, because that would be taking the easy way out.

The doctor had told me I was lucky last time, right after I was told that Tina hadn't made it. I don't remember feeling lucky, I remember feeling pissed off and hurt. How could he call me lucky when I just lost my best friend, when she had been sitting two feet away from me. It's like this past year has been a punishment, I look up to the ceiling and shake my head slightly.

"Are you done yet, God, huh? Have a suffered enough for you yet? What did I do to deserve this, I know that I am not perfect and that I can be a horrible person, especially lately, but do I honestly deserve all that has happened to me? You gave me parents who don't give a shit, and then Tina was like a light through the darkness, but you ripped her away from me. And now I am sitting in a hospital again, and all I want to know now is if you are done? Give me a sign a something, please just let me have some good back in my life because all of the darkness and pain is suffocating me. So are you done yet, God?" I take a deep breath and am startled as the door to my room opens slowly to reveal a teary eyed Brooke walking in cautiously. She looks afraid to speak but finally does.

"Sorry it took so long for me to come in here, but the nurse said family only and it took a lot of persuasion to convince her that you are my family Hales." She takes a deep breath before a fresh batch of tears flow down her face. "I am so sorry Hales, for everything, and I—"

"It doesn't matter Brooke, none of that matters now. All that matters is that you are here now." I wave her over to my bed and shift over slightly so she can fit on it with me. She lays down next to me and pulls me into a hug, not to tight though, I can tell she is scared of hurting me.

We lay there together each needing each other more than ever and I look up to the ceiling again and give God a silent thank you, he gave me my sign, and I couldn't have asked for a better one.

* * *

A/n: Thank you so much for reading and I will get the next chapter up as soon as possible, I already started it so it shouldnt be too long. Please review with what you thought, honesty is always welcome, so told me if you loved it or hated it!


	14. Watch Me Shine

A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews! I am sorry that it took me so long to update, I have no excuse. This chapter is going to be a lot happier than the others.

Chapter 14 – Watch Me Shine

"Okay, crutches are officially the stupidest thing ever invented. I would be better off just hopping everywhere." Brooke rolled her eyes and held my front door open for me.

"Hales, you are such a whiner. You should just be happy that you finally got to get out of the hospital room." I sigh as I realize that she is right. I had to be in that stupid room for three days, and I was starting to lose it.

"You're right Brooke, but all I want to do is sit on the coach and watch some movies with my best friend. I am so tired, which is weird if you think about because I have been laying down for three days straight." As I sit on the coach and put the crutches down, Brooke grabs a pizza menu.

"Well, Hales, I kind of thought that you would want to see all of your friends, so I invited them over to hang out. So I hope you don't mind a couple extra people watching the movie with us." I smiled.

"No Brooke I Don't mind at all, and as long as you order me some Hawaiian pizza I will be a very happy person."

Nobody makes me bleed my own blood.

I laugh as Ben Stiller hops on the back of the bike that Me Shell is on and give the middle finger to Vince Vahn. I love this movie, Dodgeball, I laugh my ass of everytime.

Looking around at Luke, Nathan, Teresa, Peyton, Jake, and Brooke, I smile even wider. Tonight is perfect. Even though my ankle is throbbing a little bit, and things are still awkward with me and Luke I am so glad to have everyone here. I was surprised when Brooke came to visit me, but was absolutely floored when Lucas stopped by.

_"Hey Haley." I looked up to see Lucas standing in the doorway looking uncomfortable._

_"Hi." He moved into the room and looked at his hands._

_"I am really glad that you are okay." I smiled but couldn't help but wonder what he was doing here._

_"Luke, I am so glad that you came to see me, but honestly I am really surprised. You made it pretty clear last time we talked that you hated me." His head shot up and he walked all the way over to my bed._

_"I never hated you Haley. I was mad at you because you hurt me. And because…you were right Hales. We could have never been a couple. I just would have liked to hear that from you when we weren't in a room full of people."_

_"I am so sorry about that Lucas. It just slipped out, and I was scared to tell you that I didn't want to be with you because I didn't want to ruin our friendship." He reaches down and grabs my hand. And looks me right in the eyes._

_"Haley. I never want you to be scared to tell me things. I really do love you, but I am not in love with you, but no matter what I will be here for you. I just want you to trust. It really hurt when you pulled away from me after you lost Tina. I am here for you Haley."_

_"Well in that case I have to tell you something."_

_"Anything."_

_"I am in love with your brother."_

_"That's okay, because I am in love with your best friend." I smiled at him, and hoped that things with him and Brooke would work out_.

"So, it's just us Hales." I smile up at Nathan, everyone else had left and now it was just the two of us left. My parents had decided that me getting hit by a car wasn't a good enough reason to come home, so Nathan offered to keep me company.

"Yes, it is. Just how I like it." We were sitting on the couch, me laying on his chest with his arms wrapped around my waist. Moments like this were perfect.

"I was really scared Haley. When Brooke called me and told me that you were in the hospital my heart dropped into my stomach and I couldn't breathe. I don't know what I would've done if I lost you."

"Sorry, but you're stuck with me for awhile." I snuggle closer to him and close my eyes taking in the moment. "Nathan."

"Ya."

"I love you." I hold my breathe while waiting for him to answer, to say anything.

"I love you too." I turn around and lean up to catch his lips in a kiss, and I swear that there are actual sparks this time.

"You know what Nathan. I think that this moment is perfect."

"Well it was until you talked and ruined it." I laugh and grab one of the pillows off of the coach and hit him with it. "Hey!" I see him grab a pillow to retaliate and I shriek.

"No, no, come on, I am crippled it would be so mean." He puts it down and gives me a kiss instead. I smile. "Wow, you are really whipped huh?"

"What, I am not whipped." I nod my head.

"Sure you're not." We spent the rest of the night teasing each other and laughing, and talking.

I walk into the studio and walk up to the woman who looks like she is in charge. My ankle is finally healed and it feels great to walk without crutches again.

"Um, excuse me, are you the teacher here?" She smiles and turns to face me.

"Yes, I am. I am Miss Nicole. How can I help you?" I take a deep breath and go for it.

"I would like to sign up to take some dance classes. I know that you already started for this year, but I am a really quick learner." She leads me to an office where she sits down behind a desk and gestures for me to sit in the seat across from her. She pulls out a folder and scans whatever is written on a paper inside of it.

"What type of dance would you be interested in?"

"Hip-hop and jazz. I took jazz since I was three and hip-hop since I was 8, and only stopped dancing about a year ago. I danced 5 times a week and went to a 2 month summer camp for dancing every summer." She nods and puts the folder down.

"Do mind if I ask what made you stop dancing. It just seems a little odd that someone as dedicated as you were would want to quit so suddenly." I think about what to say. I don't want to lay anything to heavy on her, but it seems stupid to lie about it.

"Well, I lost my best friend, and dancing was our thing, so I decided that it was too hard to keep dancing without her."

"Oh, I am so sorry to hear that." She sounds sincere and that makes me like her already. "So here is what I can offer you at this point. You can audition next week and if you are up to our standard of dancing I can offer you a class that meets 4 times a week in which we do a jazzy type of hip-hop dancing." I smile and stand up and lean over to shake her hand.

"Thank you so much."

"Brooke!" I run into the gym during cheer practice and run up to Brooke.

"What are you doing here?"

"I need a favor." She looks at me in a way that say, go on. "Okay, so I have an audition for a dance class on Friday, and I need a routine before then. Can you please help me. I haven't choreographed anything in like a year. Besides Tina always helped me with coming up with new steps." She looked at me surprised.

"You dance?"

"Ya, I have been dancing since I was three, but I stopped when Tina died." She still looked confused. "Look I can go into more detail later, but right now, I really need your help."

"Sure, and I am sure that P. Sawyer here would love to help too. Just let us finish cheer practice. There is like fifteen minutes left." I hug her thankfully and go to stretch. "While you wait pick out a song."

I sit and stretch and think about what song I want to dance to. It has to have a good beat, and I have to like it since I will be listening to it nonstop. And I want it to have something to do with Tina, since dancing is our thing. I think back to when we would dance around her room singing along to the words that blasted through her stereo. And only one song comes to mind.

Watch Me Shine, by Joanna Pacitti, we were obsessed ever since she bought the Legally Blonde soundtrack. It was perfect.

"Okay Hales, we are ready to help in any way that we can."

"Thank you so much you guys. So I picked a song, Watch Me Shine." Brooke and Peyton nod in approval as I grab the CD out of my gym bag. " I am going to put on the song so we can get a feel of the beat and then we can try to come up with some steps."

Both girls nod in agreement and I press play and let the familiar song and beat flow through my body. I really missed this. As I think of how the turns and kicks and floor steps are all going to fit together. I can't help but think of one thing, Tina would be so proud of me.

A/N: Thank you for reading! Please tell me what you thought of it, I love to get reviews and appreciate it so much when you take the time to write one for me! I will update as soon as I can.


	15. Sinking Flavor

A/N: As always I appreciate the reviews so much! Thank you for taking the time to write them for me! So, since I took so long to update last time I decided to update as soon as I could to make up for it. Enjoy!

Chapter 15 – Sinking Flavor

"And 5 6 7 8…no, no, no, Stop. Haley, you turned and then kicked, you have to kick and then turn. It just makes so much more sense."

"Okay, Brooke, listen I love you and everything and appreciate you helping me with my routine, but this is not boot camp. You really need to relax, because you are freaking me out."

"Sorry, I just really want you to get into that dance school, Hales." I smile and walk over to her wrapping my arm around her.

"I know, and that is why I love you. But right I just need you to chill out a little bit."

"Okay, fine." Letting out a little sigh of relief I walk back over to the stereo and turn it on. I get through the second verse before I stop.

"I decided I don't want to repeat the same thing for the chorus again. That is boring and the last thing that I want to do is bore the dance teacher. In fact, I think that I need to do something riskier. But I am not sure what exactly." I sit down to stretch out my tight muscles and Brooke comes over and sits with me.

"Well, I think that what you need is to add something personal to this routine, some of that Haley flavor, you know?" I nod, but then glance at my watch.

"Thank you so much for all of your help Brooke but I need to go, or I am going to be late for my date with Nathan." I wave goodbye to her and grab my gym bag walking out of the gym.

"So, you used to be an intense dancer, huh?" I smile at Nathan before stealing a fry off of his plate.

"I don't know if I would call it 'intense', but I really enjoyed it. I would dance five times a week, and went to a dance camp every summer."

"So is it just something that you do for fun, or do you want to be a professional dancer?" I have to take a second to think about that. I always danced because I loved it, but I never actually took the time to think if it was something that I wanted to really pursue.

"I don't know. It was just something that me and Tina did together, and I defiantly loved it, but I don't know if I would want to make it into a career. I kind of want to be teacher." He nods his head before dropping some cash on the table and turning to me.

"Wanna get out of here?" I nod and grab his hand and we walk down the street.

"So, I was having some trouble with my routine today. Even with Brooke and Peyton helping I can't help but to think that something is missing, a certain spark or something."

"Well, just think about the routines that you used to make-up. What did you use for flare then. When you figure that out, you should be all set." I stop to think about it for a second but draw a total blank.

"Hey Nate, feel like watching some home videos?" He raises his eyebrows at me, looking confused, but comes along anyway.

"Okay so this one is from the last dance recital that I was in. That is me right there and to my right is Tina. Okay, so this is the part where me and Tina got to do our duet. OMG, I was so nervous." I point to the screen as I talk and watch as Nathan looks at the screen amused. "So do you see that. Do you see how we have a sort of flare?" He nods his head and allows me to continue. "Well, that is what my routine is missing right now, and I have been trying to figure out where I got the inspiration, but no matter how hard I try I can not come up with it."

"Well, Hales, maybe you need to stop looking to yourself for the answers then. I mean you aren't the only one up on that stage." I look at the screen and see me and Tina dancing and smiling.

"Nathan, thanks for trying but I don't think that Tina can help me with this one, she isn't exactly around to ask, you know." I stop for a second to wish that she was still around, so that she could be here to help me out with this. I really miss her.

"I know that. But you knew her better than anyone, and I am sure that if you dig deep enough you would be able to find that part of her that lives on in you." I look at him with teary eyes. I am so not ready to bring Tina back into my life that way. It is way to painful.

"You know what Nathan, why don't we just play video games or something." He just looks at me but takes the controller as I place it in his hand. I am not going to relieve every moment that I had with Tina, and I don't want to dig deep inside and find her, I finally moved on and could actually talk about her without breaking down. It had been almost a year, and I was doing good.

I have made peace with the fact that she is gone, but that stupid voice in my head keeps telling my that I haven't, otherwise I would have no problem reliving all of the Tina days. So the real question I have is, why don't I want to?

Twist, contract, dip. No, that is not working. Okay, Dip, kick, contract.

"Dammit." I let out a frustrated sigh as I dance around my living room. I have the couch and table pushed to the sides so that I can have plenty of room to practice, but the steps are not flowing, and the routine is well…boring.

God, why is it that now that I am ready to dance I cannot seem to make a routine that will get me into the school that I want. This is so frustrating. I have been at this for two hours, and still the steps are stale. I need to suck it up and think back to before.

_"Listen Hales, I really think that you need to show more energy when we do this dance, otherwise it is going to be snooze fest. Okay?" I roll my eyes at her but nod anyway._

_"Sure Tina, whatever you say." She turned on the song, and I made sure to put every ounce of energy that I had into the steps. At the end I knew that it was better already. I hate when Tina's right._

Okay, so I just need to add some energy to it. Easy enough, I can totally do that.

"Ugh." Well, that was a bust, it did add more interest to the dance but it isn't what I was looking for. I sit down and close my eyes willing another memory to come to me.

_"It still isn't…popping, you know what I mean Tina?" She looked over at me, no make that glared at me._

_"What do you mean it isn't popping. I choreographed this section and it pops just fine." I look at her in disbelief, is she seriously mad that I told her that it doesn't pop?_

_"The steps are fine, they are just missing something that is all that I am saying. No need to get so bitchy."_

_"Okay, Haley, you are the bitch, and I don't feel like being around you anymore, so I think that you should leave."_

_"Are you kicking me out?"_

_"Ya, I am. Bye."_

_"Whatever, this dance looks like a strip routine anyway."_

_"You would know Hales."_

I open my eyes and wipe a tear away from my eye. That is what I didn't want to remember. I don't want to think about the fights, and all of the times that we hurt each other over the years.

Screw this. I don't need my routine to pop. It is fine just the way that it is. Well than again if I just think through everything that happened after that I am sure I would figure it out. I mean that routine ended up having so much excitement in it. No, no. It's not worth it. There is no secret to having flavor in a dance, I just need to redo some of it that's all.

Tina can't help me with this.

"Hales, wait up!" I turn around at the sound of Nathan's voice and wait for him to catch up to me. "So, how goes the dancing? Did you figure out what it was missing?"

"Nope."

"Oh, well did you consider thinking back to when you and Tina did it together?" I look at him and feel myself getting mad, after all it was his stupid idea to remember things that happened with Tina. Now I have to deal with this whole other side of losing her. The guilt, and the pain of knowing that she wasn't perfect, and that I wasted so much time fighting with her. Those were precious moments that I ruined.

"Actually Nathan, I did. And guess what, not only did it not work, but now I have to deal with a whole new load of issues. Thanks a lot. Really." I walk away down the hallway and feel tears on my cheeks.

I can't dance and was so stupid to try, the only reason I was good was because I had Tina. I am totally screwed at that audition.

A/N: So there it is, I know that it was kind of a sad chapter, but the next one will be a happy one, I promise. Please review to let me know what you thought, good or bad. I will uppdate as soon as i can!


	16. Hopelessly Numb

A/N: I know that it has been a long time since the last time that I updated. But I will be adding chapters regularly now. All reveiws are welcomed! Thanks for reading!

Chapter 16 – Hopelessly Numb

I take a deep breath in an attempt to calm my nerves. It is not working. I am so not ready for this. As the music starts to play all of the steps that me and Brooke had spent all week perfecting fly out of my head. I can't do this. No. I have to do this.

Somehow my body manages to mechanically perform each step. By the end of the song I am confident again. I deserve to get into this dance academy. Miss Nicole offers a soft smile as she approaches me. I am sure that she is going to tell me I am not good enough. I never should have tried out in the first place.

"Congratulations Haley. Welcome to The Dracut Dance Academy." I suppress a scream and look around the room for a friendly face. My heart drops as I realize that I am alone.

I don't even know why I thought that Nathan would show up. I made it very clear last night that I didn't want him here. In fact, I made it clear that I didn't want to talk to him at all. Why do I keep pushing him away?

_"Haley, your dance is fine. Tina would be so proud of you. So please, stop freaking out and just relax. You are going to be amazing tomorrow." I roll my eyes at him. He has no idea what it takes to get into dance academies like this one. My routine is not going to be good enough._

_"Nathan, my dance is nowhere near where it needs to be, okay? So I am going to freak out. I still cannot fricken figure out how to make it reach the next level. I have tried changing the dance; I even tried out some new songs. But nothing has helped and I am running out of time. So stop telling me to calm down."_

_"Geez Hales, I was just trying to help you. I'm sorry that you are nervous for tomorrow but you don't need to take it out on me." I glare at him. He is being so annoying right now. _

_"You know what Nathan; all of your so-called concern is just getting in my way. So it would be super if you could just go so I can work on this." I saw the hurt flash in his eyes but chose to ignore it. I need to fix this stupid dance._

_"If that's what you want, fine. I'll go. I guess I will see you at the audition tomorrow."_

_"No. You won't. Nathan you bring so much negativity to this, and I don't need that. So don't come tomorrow." He storms out the front door without another word and I know that I was being overly bitchy, but I am too panicked to worry about his feelings._

As I drive home from the studio I can't decide where to go. It seems so lame to just go home, I want to celebrate. I pick up my phone to call Nathan, but stop myself. Letting out a sigh I try to let go of the disappointment. I can't believe that Brooke, Teresa, Lucas and Christine all bailed on me. Sure, each of them had a good reason, but I thought that at least one person would be there for me. Tina would have dropped everything to see me audition.

I open my front door and throw my bag to the floor anxious to just go to bed. I walk into my kitchen to check the answering machine.

"Surprise!" I scream and jump backwards as all of my friends jump out at me. I look at Teresa, Brooke, Peyton, Lucas, Christine and Nathan with a bewildered smile on my face.

"What is going on?" My eyes drift to the cake with the words 'Congratulations Haley' written on it. Wow, they do care.

"Duh, we are surprising you!" Brooke laughs as she explains. "We all knew that you were going to make it Haley. You were the only one with any doubts." I tear up as I looked around the room. I am so lucky to have all of these people supporting me.

"Thanks, you guys this means so much to me." I look at Nathan as I say that, thrilled that he seems to have already forgiven me for my bitchy attitude last night. He comes up to me and pulls me into a big hug.

"Tina would be so proud of you." I melt into his arms. Nothing can ruin this moment.

"What the hell is going on here?!" Except that. I turn to look at two of my least favorite people. My parents.

"Mom. Dad." I pull away from Nathan and just stand there. I cannot believe that my parents are standing in front of me.

"Haley, who is this?" My mother asks looking at Nathan. Her tone is very judgmental. What right does she have to act like a parent considering the way things went the last time I saw her.

_"Haley, you need to stop moping around and get on with your life. I know that you are sad that Tina died, but that doesn't mean you need to act like you're dead too." Her words are emotionless like she is reading from a script. I put down the picture that I am holding and glare at my mother._

_"Whatever you say mother. Maybe I will be just like you and only think of myself that should make it easy to ignore the fact that my best friend was tragically killed."_

_"Oh Haley, stop being so dramatic. She died like 3 months ago. There is no reason that you should still be upset." I look at my mom and can't believe what a cold hearted bitch she is being. How can she think that I should be over this already?_

_"I can't believe how cold you are. Why don't you just leave me alone, it's not like you care about me anyways." _

_"Haley, I'm your mother, of course I care about you." I laugh at loud at that one. Of course she cares about me? Please, she has never given a shit about what is going on in my life._

_"That is such bullshit" Her face shows her surprise, I never talk back to my mother. "You are barely a parent. How can you look me in the eye and tell me that you care about me when you weren't even there for me when I needed you the most?" She moves her mouth in an attempt to say something but I cut her off. "If you don't understand why I am so upset, then there is really nothing that I can do about that. But I told you that I needed you to come with me to Tina's funeral." I can't stop the tears that start to stream from my eyes. "You promised me that you would be there for me. And for once in my life I thought that you would actually be a parent and come through for me. But you are just too damn selfish to be a mother. Do you even remember where you were while I sat at my best friends funeral alone, in a pew all by myself. Do you know what you were doing that was so goddamn important that you couldn't stand by my side as I watched Tina being lowered into the ground? Do you?" I am screaming now. It feels so good to finally tell my mother off. She is crying. And I don't care._

_"Haley, I don't remember what I was doing. But I'm sure it was important." I let out a harsh laugh. _

_"Of course you don't remember mother. To you it was just like any other day. Just another day at the golf course. You don't remember that day and you never will. I get to carry that day around with me forever. And I get to remember how my mom couldn't take a few hours out of her life to be there for me. That was the moment that I realized that I don't love you mom. I'm not trying to be some dramatic teenager; I just don't feel a damn thing for you. You don't exist to me anymore." Calmness comes over me as all of the pent up emotion flows freely out of me. As I look into my mother's eyes I can see that I deeply hurt her. Finally. _

_"I'm…um…I 'm sorry that you fe…feel that way Haley. But you're in luck; your father and I are leaving at the end of the week. We won't be back for a while." She starts to walk away, but turns back to me to say one last thing. "Despite what you think Haley, I really do love you." _

_"I don't believe you." A few days later mom and dad were off on some new trip, they left a note and a credit card on the counter and that was it._

"Haley. Your mother asked you a question. What is going on here?" I look at my parents and for a split second wish that they were happy to see me. All those months ago, when I told my mom I didn't love her I lied. It is easier to cut her out than accept that she will never love the way I want her too.

"Hey mom and dad. I'm doing great, thanks for asking! Oh, who are these lovely people that have been keeping me company while you were god knows where for the past 6 months? Well, since you asked so nicely." I can see that my dad is not a fan of my sarcasm. A year ago I never would have spoken harshly to my parents. Every time they decided to grace me with their presence I would give them big hugs and welcome them home. Not this time.

"Young lady. I am not in the mood to deal with your attitude." I fight the urge to roll my eyes at my father and let out a dramatic sigh.

"Fine. Well, you know Lucas and Brooke. Although I wouldn't be surprised if you never got a chance to learn their names. This is Christine from dance camp, and this is Peyton and Teresa." Both my parents turn their attention to Nathan, who I conveniently didn't introduce. I don't need my parents input on my love life. "And this is my boyfriend Nathan Scott." I don't give them time to react to the news that their daughter is dating. "They are all here because I auditioned for The Dracut Dance Academy today and I got in!" I silently pray that they will be proud of me. Its no surprise when they have no reaction to my good news.

"Well Haley, your father and I just got off a very long flight and the last thing that we need is a bunch of rowdy teenagers in our home. So why don't you and your friends go someplace else. Thanks honey." Great. They've been home for a whole ten minutes and they are already messing up my day.

* * *

Nothing easing the pain of parents who couldn't care less about your existence like alcohol. I take another shot of tequila waiting anxiously to feel its soothing effects. For some reason tonight it is just not doing the trick.

"Wow, Hales, maybe you should slow down a little bit." Nathan grabs the bottle out of my hand and puts it back on the table. As much as I appreciate him looking out for me, I really want to drink more. I've only done a few shots and I was hoping to get more than buzzed tonight.

"I'm barely buzzed Nate. Stop worrying so much, it's a party. We are supposed to have fun!" I drag him out to where people are dancing and let myself get lost in him and the music. I just want to forget all of my pain tonight. My stupid parents just had to show up when everything was going well. After a few songs I am very annoyed that the damn shots didn't do the trick. "Hey, Nate, I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." He gives me a quick kiss as I work my way through the crowd. I grab a bottle of vodka and a shot glass and slip into an empty bedroom.

As I down my second shot I can't help but think how pathetic it is that I am sitting alone in a room at a party drinking by myself. I convince myself that I just don't want Nathan to worry about me. The damn vodka isn't doing the trick.

The door swings open and Kelly walks in with another girl. I haven't talked to Kelly since I blew her off when I decided pot wasn't for me. She smiles at me. Clearly she is drunk.

"Haley! What are you doing in here?" She closes the door behind her and pulls out little vile with white poweder in it. I watch as she makes three lines. She snorts hers, and her friends does hers. She holds the rolled up dollar bill out to me. "your turn."

"No thanks Kelly." She rolls her eyes.

"Come on princess. We both know that you want to do this." I want to say no. I can't do this again. Smoking pot was stupid enough, but cocaine? I would have ot be insane.

"No, I don't want to do this." As I say the words even I don't believe them. Taking the dollar bill from her had I lean down and inhale the white powder. I will only do it tonight. It's no big deal. I just need the pain to fade tonight. Kelly lights up a joint next to me and know I should walk out of the room right then. This girl is nothing but trouble.

I finally force myself to leave the room. "See you later Haley." I want to tell Kelly that she won't, that this time I am really done with her. But as I stumble down the stairs to find Nathan, I wish I was still in that room. Slowly I become numb, just how I like it.

* * *

I attempt to open my eyes as the sunlight streams into the room. I sit up frantically. What the hell happened last night? As I wake up more I realize that I am in Brooke's room. How did I end up here? My cell phone is buzzing on the dresser and I sluggishly walk over to see what it is. My inbox is flooded with picture messages.

As I scroll through I realize that they are pretty much all the same picture. I let a tear fall as I scroll through 27 pictures messages of me dancing on a table, my shirt at my feet, swinging my bra around over my head. I drop my phone to the ground and plop down next to it waiting for Brooke to wake up. I need to know what exactly happened last night.

A/N: Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you thought of it! I will put the next chapter up by Sunday.


	17. Relentless Regret

A/N: Thanks for replying! I hope you like this chapter.

Chapter 17 - Relentless Regret

I hold my head in my hands and try desperately to escape the thoughts running through my mind. It seems like lately all that my life is is a pile of endless regrets. I finally got my life back on track, Brooke and I were friends again and Nathan and I were in such a good spot in our relationship. And just to make matters worse I have still have to go home and face my parents.

Brooke wasn't very helpful in filling me in on the details of the night. She was off somewhere with Lucas and she came in the room when I was already entertaining an entire party with a strip tease. Luckily for me she got me out of there before it got worse. I don't know where Nathan was during my dance, but considering the fact that Tree Hill is a small town, even if he didn't witness it I'm sure he knows everything about it.

Luckily for me Brooke had no idea that I was on drugs. She just assumed that I was incredibly drunk and didn't know what I was doing. If she knew the truth she would be lecturing me for hours, and that is just the last thing that I need right now. I close my eyes tight desperately searching my brain for any memory of last night. Even though it doesn't really matter how I ended up topless, I hate being so clueless. I'm pretty sure that Monday at school there will be people more than willing to tell me all the details.

Brooke sets a glass of water and two Advil down in front of me as I rested my head on her kitchen table. My phone vibrated constantly next to me but I ignored it. Brooke grabbed it and flipped it open. "Hey Nate." My head popped up as I listened to Brooke talk to Nathan. I still didn't know what he thought about this whole situation. "Yeah she's her. Of course you can come over. Okay, see you in a little while. Bye." She closes my phone and looks at me waiting for me to say something. I look at her but don't say a word. I want to see Nathan, but I am terrified of what he is going to say to me.

"So, Nate's coming over Hales. So why don't you go hop in the shower. You can borrow some of my clothes." She uses her tone that lets me know she means business. Ugh, I so don't want to face this.

I turn the water on wicked hot and let it wash off last night. I close my eyes and wonder what Tina would say to me in this situation. Sure, I had done some pretty stupid stuff when drunk, but it had never been in front of this many people before.

_"Haley! Come on, let's go! You are so damn slow!" I slip on my flip flops and grab my purse as I sprint towards the door. We are already way late. Normally we would make a fashionably late entrance, but tonight was different._

_Kyle was going to be there and I wanted to grab his attention before anyone else had the chance to. Me and Tina hopped in her car and sped off to the party. I was so excited. I had been crushing on Kyle for months and tonight was my chance to make my move. I grabbed the small bottle from my purse and took a swig. The tequila burned on the way down, but I needed to have some type of buzz going to have the confidence to do it. I closed my eyes and took another swig, and then another._

_"You might want to slow down a bit there Hales." Tina laughed as I took another sip and made a face of disgust as it trickled down my throat. I screwed the cap back on tightly and shoved it in my purse. I wanted to make sure that I could still form coherent sentences when talking to Kyle._

_I heard the doorbell ring and knew that Nathan was here. I still hadn't even managed to wash my hair. I considered rushing, but decided that I would just make him wait._

_The tequila did its job and as soon as Tina and I walked into the party I went to find him. He looked so gorgeous with his blonde hair spiked up with gel and his tan body looked amazing in his simple t-shirt. I tapped him on the shoulder and smiled when he turned around. His face lit up and he looked me up and down. I knew I looked hot and by his facial expression he knew it too. We talked. He got me a drink. We danced. It was going so perfectly. I knew that I was way passed buzzed, but when he offered me more to drink, I just couldn't seem to say no._

_I was so happy to be with Kyle, that when he grabbed my hand and led me upstairs I didn't even think to stop it. I didn't give any type of thought to how much I would regret this later. I was too caught up in the how much I loved the feeling of his hand on the small of my back as he led me into the empty bedroom._

"Haley?" I snap out of my thoughts as I see Brooked poke her head in the bathroom. At this point I have done everything I need to do in the shower and I am just standing in the water. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine Brooke."

"Okay. Um, Nathan is here and you might want to come talk to him. You've been in the shower for almost an hour; you must be like a raisin by now." She closes the door and I shut off the water and grab a towel. As I pick out my outfit and pull my hair up, I let my mind wander again.

_Somehow we went from sitting on the bed making out, to all of clothes being on the floor and us under the covers. I had purposely worn my matching hot pink bra and panties set just in case this happened. But I didn't think that I would actually end up sleeping with him tonight. But as he threw my bra casually to the floor I knew what was going to happen. A little voice in the back of my mind told me that this was a bad choice. That this wasn't how I wanted my first time to be. But the six shots of tequila that I had done earlier silenced that little voice._

_Even in my drunken stupor I still managed to take in every detail. I memorized every inch of his face. I memorized ever breathe, every moment. I wanted to make sure that I would remember I perfectly. I was so sure that this was just going to be the beginning for me and Kyle. I was wrong._

He just wanted one night, I wanted a relationship. He never called, and when I would see him around he wouldn't even look my way. He used me and it sucked. I don't know why I do these things to myself. That was the only other time that I had gotten naked when drunk, and I regretted that just as much as last night. The only difference is I would give anything to forget that night, and all I want to do is remember what happened last night. If I got to the point where I took my clothes off for practically my entire school, who knows what else I could have done last night.

I take a deep breath and slowly make my way down the stairs. I am so not ready to face Nathan. Him and Brooke are sitting on the couch laughing and as they see me approach Brooke quickly makes an excuse, grabs her purse and bolts out the front door.

"Hey Hales. How are you feeling?" He has so much concern in his voice. Honestly I expected him to be furious. I open my mouth to tell him that I'm fine, that it will all blow over, and it's no big deal. But instead I break down into tears. He jumps up off the couch and wraps his arms around me. I feel so safe with him and don't want him to ever let go.

"I am so sorry Nathan. I can't believe that I was so wasted that I would do something that stupid. I feel horrible." He sits me down on the couch and I let my head fall against his shoulder as he keeps one arm wrapped firmly around me.

"Haley. It's okay. I know that you are going to have to face everyone at school, and it's going to be hard. But this is just another drunken girl story that will blow over by next weekend when someone else does something embarrassing." I wipe a tear off my check and let his words sink in. Maybe he's right.

"I dunno Nathan. I mean everyone already knows about it. And there are all these pictures. To all the kids at Tree Hill I am just another good girl gone bad. I really don't think it's gonna just blow over." My head is pounding again. I just want to go to sleep. "God, I'm just so humiliated, I don't know how I'm going to be able to face everyone at school tomorrow."

"You will be fine Haley. And if it gets to be too much, you have me." I smile for the first time today and feel a small glimmer of hope that maybe this won't be as bad as I thought it would be.

* * *

I held Nathan's hand tightly in mine as I stepped into the school. I kept my eyes trained straight ahead making sure not to make eye contact with anyone. I noticed Brooke at standing in front of my locker with Lucas, Peyton and Teresa. I push my way through them and say the pictures plastered all over the front of my locker. Tears start to well up in my eyes as I scan all of the photos of me in my most embarrassing moment. As I absorbed it all I finally noticed the bold red letters sprawled across it all. Slut.

I don't know what to say or do. I hate that word. Its times like these that I really wish that I had a car so that I could just get out of here. I have to stay here though. I need to be strong and make it through this day. Everyone was staring at me and I just needed to get away from all the pitying and judging eyes.

"I'm just gonna go to the bathroom quickly. I'll see you in guys in class." I let go Nate's hand and speed walk towards the bathroom. Lucky for me no one else is in there. I lock the door behind me so that no one can come in and sink to the floor trying to hold back the tears.

I can't help but remember the last time that someone called me a slut. This whole situation is just bringing back some of my biggest regrets.

_"Hey Hales, what happened to you last night? As soon as we got to the party you like disappeared." I looked at Tina afraid to make eye contact. I thought that if she looked into my eyes she might somehow know what happened between me and Kyle._

_"Um, I went ot find Kyle. You knew that's why I was going there." She put her coffee cup down and looked at me kind of confused._

_"Yeah, I knew that you were going to make a move, but that was before we knew that he had a girlfriend." I chocked on my coffee and looked at her in shock. _

_"Kyle doesn't have a girlfriend Tina." I said it like I was so sure, but I knew inside that Tina wouldn't say something like that unless she was absolutely positive. My heart dropped to my stomach._

_"Haley, he's been dating Holly for almost a month. They've been keeping it on the down low. They just recently told everyone about it." I let one tear fall down my cheek as I think about how I screwed another girl's boyfriend. "Oh my god. Haley. You still went after Kyle didn't you." I look up at Tina with shame written all over my face._

_"Yes. Tina, I didn't know that he was dating Holly. She wasn't even at the party." I got up and put my mug in her sink and walked into the next room so I could curl up on her couch. Suddenly I felt sick to my stomach._

_"It's okay Haley. So what, you danced with him, maybe kissed him. It's no big deal. You didn't know." She sat next to me on the couch and I looked at her before I burst into tears. He lied to me._

_"I slept with him Tina." I whispered it, almost hoping that she wouldn't hear me. Saying it out loud made it so much more real than before. I cannot believe that I lost my virginity to a jackass who had a girlfriend._

_"You WHAT? Haley are you insane? You had sex with Kyle? Last night was the first time that you even really hung out with him. What were you thinking?" I shake my head but don't know what to say to her. I honestly don't know what I was thinking._

_"I don't know, okay? It just kind of happened. I don't know why you are so mad." _

_"Haley! You had sex with a guy that you talked to for like an hour. I honestly don't even know what to say to you." I start to cry even harder as Tina yells at me. As if I didn't already know that it was a mistake. "He has a girlfriend." _

_"I didn't know that! If I had I never would have done it."_

_"Well maybe that is the kind of thing that you should ask someone before you know, you get naked with them." I looked at her in shock. She is completely over reacting to this situation. She should be trying to make me feel better, not making me feel even worse about this. "God Haley, I never knew that you could be such a slut." Her words were like a slap in the face. Before I even had a chance to respond she just walked away._

_I knew she was right though. I was a slut._

"Haley. Haley, open the door." I heard Brooke's voice as she knocked on the bathroom door. I got up and unlocked it for her. "Hey. You missed first period. I was worried about you." I offer Brooke a small smile to reassure her that I'm fine, but I can't do it.

"God, Brooke. I don't know how I am going to face going to class. I couldn't even handle a locker with the word slut written on it. I thought could be strong and handle this. But I don't think I can." Brooke pulls me into a hug. It was exactly what I needed. At least she wasn't calling me a slut right now the way that Tina did. Of course Tina apologized later, but a part of me will always be angry with her for judging me like that. It was one of our only serious fights. We didn't talk for a week, and I never fully understood why Tina was so upset with me. I guess I'll never know.

That's what is making this situation so hard. It just brings back all of the regrets from two years ago. And I hate thinking about Tina as anything other than a perfect friend to me. That word slut just cuts right through me. Whenever I hear it, or see it, I hear Tina's voice saying it. And it absolutely kills me.

"What are you thinking about Hales?" Brooke's voice drags me out of my thoughts. I never told her about Kyle. She still thinks I'm a virgin. I want to tell her, but I am just so damn afraid that she will react the same way that Tina did. I could not handle that. But then again, it would be so much easier to deal with all of this if I had somebody to talk to about it.

"Brooke, I need to talk to you about something." Brooke looks at me and nods her head waiting for me to start talking. "Okay, so two years ago I was.." I'm cut off when the bathroom door swings open and Kelly walks in.

"Hey Haley, been to any good parties lately?" Kelly offers a sarcastic smile and pulls out a cigarette. I look at her but don't offer any type or answer.

"Brooke, I need to get to class, but we can finish this conversation later." I practically run out of the bathroom into the crowded hallway. I ignore the girls laughing at me and the guys lifting their shirts as I walk by. I head toward my classroom but cannot bring myself to walk into the classroom. I turn around and go back to the bathroom where I spent the majority of the morning.

"Hey Kelly." She smiles at me and puts her cigarette out. She walks over to the door and locks it and grabs a joint out of her purse. I follow her in silence into the stall and wait for my turn to take a drag. Maybe this day won't be so bad after all.

A/N: Thanks so much for reading! Please take a little bit of time and review my story! I really appreciate it! So let me know what you think..good or bad!


	18. ChChChChanges

A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who read and reveiwed this story! I really appreciate it! Im so glad that you like it!

Chapter 18 – Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

"So, what you are saying is that when you were really drunk one night, you um…you had sex with some guy named Kyle?" I looked at Brooke in shame, waiting for her to scold me for acting so stupidly. Instead she moved closer to me and wrapped her arms around me. "Hales, why didn't you tell me? That was two years ago." I feel into her embrace and thought about how to answer her question.

"I dunno. I guess that I just thought that you would judge me. I regret it so much Brooke and I just didn't need to hear what a mistake it was."

"What kind of friend would I be if I kicked you when you were down? I mean who would do that?" I offer her a smile and answer quietly.

"Tina." She gives me a sympathetic stare and pulls me closer to her.

"Well, I'm not going to judge you at all. I mean I certainly have my regrets. So why don't you tell all about it. It will help to talk about it."

We spent hours in my room talking. It felt so amazing to finally have someone to tell all of my feelings to. I wanted so badly to tell her that the only reason I was even handling this whole situation is because I'm doing drugs. But no matter how many times I tried to, I couldn't find the words.

I hate thinking about the Kyle situation. I saw him a few times after we slept together. He lived in Tree Hill, but most people didn't know him because he went to a private school a couple of towns over. He would always give me a smug smile when he walked by me, and I would just let him walk right by without saying a word. I was so ashamed of myself. I still am.

Especially now that I am so in love with Nathan. We have been together for over three months now, and every day I fall more and more in love with him. I wanted my first time to be with someone like Nathan. I just hate that I wasted it on Kyle. Everything with Nathan is going so well right now.

_"Happy 3 month anniversary Hales." I smile as Nathan guides me into his kitchen. The lights are dimmed and candles on are on the table lit. There is a bottle of champagne and two glasses waiting on the table. It looks just like a little restaurant. I give Nathan a hug and then wrap my arms around his neck to kiss him._

_"Nathan! This is so sweet of you! I told you that you didn't have to do anything for me." He smiles proudly and leads me over to the table. He pops open the champagne bottle and offer me a glass. He has a way of making me feel like a princess._

_"I love you Haley."_

_"I love you too Nate." He hands me a neatly wrapped rectangular box and I unwrap in excitedly. I open up the velvet box and see a gorgeous necklace. "aw, Nathan, I love it!" I take it out of the box and admire the silver chain with a heart hanging off it. On it is engraved in cursive 'I love you'. It is the most beautiful necklace I have ever seen. Tears well in my eyes as Nathan puts it on me._

_Then he put on soft music and extends his hand to me. I get out of my chair and we dance together in his kitchen. All I can think is how I want to stay like this forever._

I walk up to my locker still half asleep, it's easy to spot now since they paint was scraped off after slut was written on it. It's been like two weeks since that whole ordeal and people are still talking. It's not as bad as it was at first, but I still hear people talking. I'm just glad that its Friday which means I can party tonight.

"Hey Hales. Ready to go to class?" I smile up at Nathan and shut my locker. He wraps his arm around me as we walk down the hallway to our math class. As soon as we walk into the classroom I remember that we have to get our tests back today. I used to love getting back graded things, but lately I haven't been doing as well and I've come to dread getting things back.

"Alright class. Please take your seats. We are going to start class off today by getting your tests back." Mr. Liven placed the paper face down on my desk and I nervously lifted the paper to read the bright red letter staring back at me. D. I have never gotten a D before. I was always good at math; I don't usually even get B's.

I look over at Nathan, and smile as if I did well on the test. If he asks I can always lie. Nathan holds his test up for me to see the grade. He is smiling proudly. I see the B on it and give him a huge smile.

"Nathan! That's great. You did so well!" He blushes a little bit which is unusual for him. It's so cute. I expect him to ask me what I got, but instead he reaches over and grabs it to see. I watch his face fall as he sees the grade on my test.

"Hales, how did you get a D?" Luckily for me before I have to think of an answer the teacher starts to talk. I pick up my pencil and start to take notes. I don't look over at Nathan but I know that he is worried about me. Now I really can't wait for tonight.

I am thrilled when it is time for lunch. Although I haven't seen Nathan since math, I'm sure he won't bring up my grade in front of all out friends. My morning classes were brutal. I got a C on a history quiz, and I completely forgot that I had an English paper due today and the teacher refuses to accept any late papers. I really need to get my act together. I need it to be the weekend. I only have to get through two classes after lunch and then I am free for the weekend.

I sit at the lunch table and pick at the Mac and cheese in front of me. I'm that hungry, especially for cafeteria food. I look up at everyone at the table. "Hey guys, so what party are we going to tonight?"

"Tim's parents are out of town so we are going to hit up his house. Everyone's going to be there." Nate wraps his arm around me before continuing. "WE just have to make sure we can a close eye on Hales here. Don't want a repeat of last time." I laugh along with the rest of the table, but it really bothers me when they make jokes like that. Before anyone else has a chance to comment on me, I start talking.

"Well we can all meet at my house before to pregame and stuff and then go over together." Luckily for me, my parents left again. Since they are oh so courteous they left me a note informing me that they are traveling to somewhere in Europe. They don't know when they'll be back. They will call me sometime. As much as I really don't get along with my parents, it still hurts me when they leave. I want them to care; I just know that they never will.

Everyone agrees to meet at my house before going over to the party. As I leave lunch I notice Kelly and a couple of her friends walking outside. "Um, guys, I'm going to the bathroom before my next class, so I will see you guys tonight!" I walk away and as soon as I see the rest of them turn the corner I run outside to catch up with Kelly.

"Kelly." She turns to look at me with a knowing smile and opens gestures toward her car.

"Get in." I smile at her and hop in the front seat. I turn around to say hi to Macy and Trace in the backseat. This is so much better than chemistry. As we pulled up to the usual empty parking lot I waited to see what the drug of choice was today. I was happy when I saw Kelly pull out the vile with white powder in it. "If you've got money, you can have this vile." I pull out my wallet and we make the exchange. Its times like these I'm glad I have an endless supply of cash.

After the first line I am feeling pretty amazing. I wish I could feel this way all of the time. No worries, who cares about some stupid English paper, or a dumb test. I close my eyes and lay my head back against my seat and let the drugs work their magic.

"Oh shit." My eyes pop open as I look at what made Kelly say that. Fuck. It's a cop. He taps on the window and Kelly reluctantly rolls it down.

"Can you ladies step out of the car please?" We do as we are told. Time moves in slow motion as I watch the cop go through the car. Kelly even looks a little nervous as he finds her plastic bag filled with all her necessities. My heart drops as he sees asks to see each of our purses. He confiscates my vile along with whatever the girls have. I try not to cry as he slaps cuffs on the four of us and puts us in the back of the cop car.

We are all scared, but none of us show it. I refuse to let the tears that are building behind my eyes fall. I'm sure this will be okay. I mean its Tree Hill; they aren't going to punish us seriously.

* * *

It's been an hour since we got to the cell and none of us have had the guts to use the pay phone yet. Surprisingly this is the first time those three girls have gotten caught. I take a deep breath and put a quarter in the phone. I dial the only number I can think of that makes any sense. It's not like I could call my parents even if I wanted to.

"Hey, it's Hales. Please save the lecture for later, but I kinda need a favor."

* * *

A/N: Thanks so much for reading! I hope that you liked it. Please please please reveiw!! I will add the next chapter as soon as I can!


	19. Miserable Memories

A/N: Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed! I really appreciate you taking the time to do that.

Chapter 19 – Miserable Memories

"Haley." I look up thrilled that he finally made it. I cannot sit in this damn cell anymore. Kelly and I were the only two left, and I had nothing to say to her so for the past few hours we were just sitting in silence. I know that he is doing me a favor by coming to get me, but did he really have to take so long. I immediately jump into his arms when the policeman opens the cell up. He loosely wraps his arm around my waist. I can tell that he is pissed.

"Thanks for coming to get me Nate." I offer him a small smile but he just silently leads me out of the station and to his car. It isn't until we are pulling out of the parking lot that he finally talks to me.

"What the hell Haley?" I look at him ashamed but don't know what he wants me to say. "I mean since when are you even doing drugs? And skipping school to do it? With Kelly? Have you completely lost your mind?" The car ride goes on like this. Him screaming, me staring blankly out the window letting him go on and on.

It's already like six o'clock and people are coming to my house soon to grab some food and stuff before we go to the party later tonight. Even though it's a small town I doubt that word has already traveled that I got arrested. It should be fun filling all of my friends in on the most humiliating moment of my life.

As Nathan and I walk into my house he is still yelling at me and it is really starting to get on my nerves. "Nathan, can you please just shut up for like two seconds?" He stares coldly at me and folds his arms over his chest. This is not going to go well. "I know that it was sooo stupid, and I know that you're disappointed, and that it is just horrible that I am not perfect. But I just spent the last 5 hours in a jail cell, so do you think that maybe we can put this fight on pause. I really just want to shower and eat something. Then you can scream at me, okay?" But this point I am almost crying, and I know that if I try to say even one more word I am going to completely lose it.

Nathan's face softens and he pulls me into a hug. "Alright hales, why don't you go take a shower, and I will order some food. Everyone else will be here in a little while anyways." I let out a sigh of relief that he doesn't completely hate me and walk upstairs to take a shower. I just want to wash this whole day off of me.

Nothing heals me better than a hot shower. As the water falls down on me, I try to promise myself that I will stay away from drugs. That this was a good lesson for me, that now I can finally just stop doing them and go back to being good girl Haley James. I repeat it to myself over and over. But as I wrap the towel around myself all I can think about is how annoyed I am that my tiny vile of white powder was confiscated.

By the time that I did my hair and picked out my outfit for tonight, everyone was downstairs waiting for me. I sat at the top of the stairs and listened to them all discuss me.

"I'm so worried about her. I know that losing Tina was really hard on her, but I honestly thought that she was doing better with that." Brooke sounds so sad and I feel really bad that I hurt her so badly. But she was way off base, not everything I do in my life is about Tina.

"I don't think we can just ignore this anymore, I mean she was arrested this afternoon. She needs help." I roll my eyes as Lucas talks. They are being way overdramatic. I haven't sat on these stairs in eavesdropped in years. There hasn't really been anyone around that I could listen to. Plus the last time I sat here I heard things I wish I never had.

_"I don't know about that girl, Jimmy. She just mopes around the house like the world is ending." My mom looked at my father in annoyance as she talked about it me. Lately I hadn't exactly been the happiest person in the world. It had been a little over a month since I slept with Kyle, and I regretted it every day. I couldn't talk about it with Tina because she wasn't very understanding about the whole thing. And there is no way I was going to tell Brooke, and definitely not Lucas._

_I spent my days moping around the house hoping that maybe my parents would notice and be worried. Maybe my mom would even ask me what was wrong, and even though I wouldn't tell her the whole story, I could say boy problems. And she could just listen to me. But unfortunately my sadness just seemed to get in the way of my parents._

_"I don't know what you want me to say. Haley has always been hard to deal with. She is just so emotional about every little thing. I'm sure its nothing, if we just ignore it she will move on." My dad says the word with no type of compassion in his voice. A part of me considers getting up and going back to my room and forgetting that I ever heard any of this, but I can't do it. I need to hear what they have to say._

_"You're right. When does she go to college again? It will be nice when we have the house to ourselves again. I miss the peace and quiet." They are just waiting for me to go off to college?_

_"Only two more years. Then we can sell this house, move somewhere warm and go back to how things were when we were the happiest. Before we became parents." My breath caught in my throat as I quickly stood up and ran towards my room. I always knew that my parents weren't the warmest, most loving people in the world, but I truly believed that they loved me. But they basically just said that they regretted having me._

_Even though we were still on shaky ground from the whole Kyle situation I called Tina. I needed to be around the one person that I knew would be there no matter what._

Now here I am two years later sitting on the same steps, listening to people I thought cared about me let me down again. I mean they could have at least talked to me about this instead of all getting together to discuss me like I'm some disease.

I wipe the tears away and wish that I could run to my room and call Tina. If she was here right now she would know the exact right thing to say. Hell, she'd probably slap me and tell me what a dumbass I was being. Those drugs were never the answer, and that I need to get out before it was too late. But she's not here. And no matter how hard I try to imagine her giving me that lecture it's all just in my head, and I know that it might already be too late for me to just stop. It's not that simple anymore.

I stand up and consider my options. I can go back to my room, I can sit back down and keep listening to people talk about me, or I can go downstairs and confront them all right now. I have no idea what the right thing to do here is. I finally decide to go to my room. I don't want to deal with my so-called friends right now. God, I miss Tina.

"_Haley. Are you okay? I just got your message." I wipe the tears out of my eyes as Tina sits next to me on my bed. I just wish that I had never heard my parents talking. It was so much easier when I could pretend that on some level they really did care about me._

_"I'll be fine. Let's go out and do something. I have been sulking too much. Screw my parents, and screw Kyle. I just want to go have fun." She smiled at me and we headed outside to her car. I just need to let loose._

_Of course Kyle is at the party that we go to. Today must be my lucky day. He gives me a sly smile as I walk by and I immediately make my way over to the keg. I don't need this shit. As I down my fifth beer I can help but watch Kyle and Holly together. I don't want to be jealous, Kyle isn't worth it, but somehow I can't help it._

_The night drags on and even though I can feel the effects of the alcohol, it doesn't do much to improve me mood. What a waste of a night. I feel a tap on my shoulder and I turn around to see a very pissed off Holly. Super._

_"I know what you did. Whore." I look at her and don't know what to sya. Its not like I can act like I don't know what she's talking about. I just stare at her, and before I have the chance to think of anything to say I feel her hand connect with my face. I swear the sound of the slap echoed through the entire house. "Stay the hell away from my boyfriend you slut." I don't defend myself. I don't hit her back. I don't do anything. I just stand there._

_"Come on Hales, we should go." I feel Tina dragging me out of the party to her car. I don't want to go home yet so we head to Tina's house._

_"I cannot believe that bitch hit me." I press the ice pack against my swollen cheek. The shock of the situation wears off and now I'm pissed._

_"I don't know if its fair to call her a bitch. I mean, you did sleep with her boyfriend." I stare at Tina in shock. What the hell?_

_"I didn't know they were dating! Are you saying that I deserved it?" I am beyond furious now. Tina looks at me and keeps her voice at a normal volume, clearly not looking for a screaming match._

_"Not exactly. I mean, she had a reason to be pissed at you. I just think you need to think about it from her perspective."_

_"Tina. Why can't you just be on my side? She should be mad at Kyle, not at me. I didn't fricken know they were dating!" I am full out screaming now. I cannot believe Tina. "God Tina, You are being such a shitty friend lately. I know that it was slutty and stupid to sleep with Kyle. I know that it sucks for Holly that it happened. But could you please, please, just be on my side!" Tina's eyes narrow and I know that she is now as pissed as I am._

_"I am always on your side Haley, but that doesn't mean that I have to agree with everything that you say. It's not my fault that you did a skanky thing and got slapped for it. So stop taking your anger out on me!" Without thinking I hurl my ice pack at her. She ducks and it misses her. "What the fuck Haley!"_

_"I'm leaving." We both know that I won't. I don't have a car and I'm not about to call someone from Tree Hill and explain who Tina is when its three o'clock in the morning. I make it to the couch and collapse on it. I touch my face and know that it going to be swollen tomorrow._

_Tina comes in the room and hands me a new ice pack. "Here, you don't want your face to be too swollen tomorrow." I take it as a peace offering and sit up on the couch making room for her to sit. We sit in silence for a while. We don't fight often, so we don't usually have to worry about making up._

_"I'm sorry Tina. I know that I have been a mega bitch lately."_

_"It's okay; I haven't been the best friend. I'm sorry Hales." I want to say more, I want to tell her that I need her to be more supportive. That I know how dumb I have been, that I know that I deserve more than just a slap across the face. But instead I let us settle into the silence, both of us knowing that we would never forget this night._

_I_ hear Nathan knocking on my door and consider going to open it. He tries the knob and sees that its locked. I grab my purse and walk over to my window popping it open. The last thing that I need right now is to get into the kind of fight I got into with Tina. Even though that was almost a year before she died, we never fully recovered from that.

I still can't understand why she was so mad at me for sleeping with Kyle, I think that she was way too hard on me. And I guess she never could understand why I couldn't just move on from it. We loved each other, we were best friends, but we were just never the same after that one fight. If I go downstairs now, there is a good chance that I will get into a serious fight with Brooke, Luke, or Nate. And I don't need that right now.

I climb down the trellis that leads up to my window like I have a thousand times before. I don't know where I am going to go. It's only like eight and nobody shows up at the party before eleven. As soon as I start my engine I floor it out of my driveway, I don't want to give anyone time to come out after me.

As I drive I still don't know where I am going, when all of a sudden it hits me. I have nowhere I need to go. Turning up the radio I ignore my ringing phone. It is either Brooke or Nathan, and I have nothing to say to either one of them right now. I pull the car over and sit on the side of the road. I don't want to think about anything.

I turn the car off and lean my head against the steering wheel. So much is going wrong with my life. As if it wasn't bad enough that I'm dealing with all the things going on now, I also can't seem to stop the flow of memories. The whole Kyle situation tore me up for over a year, and when Tina was still alive, I finally found a way to move on from it. But now it's like it is happening all over again.

I search through my purse and pray that there will be something, anything in there that can get me through this night. Dammit! There is nothing in here that is any use to me. I throw my purse against my passenger window and watch everything in it fly all over my car. That's when I remember that I kept a plastic bag filled with my personal favorite drug in my glove department. A smile creeps across my face as I grab my lighter. Maybe this night can still get better after all.

A/N: Thanks so much for reading my story! I hope that you liked this chapter. Please review to tell me what you thought..good or bad...I love the feedback! I will update as soon as possible


	20. Desperate Times

A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed! I love to read what people think of my story, and suggestions are always welcome! Here is the next chapter, I hope you enhoy it!

Chapter 20 – Desperate Times

I can't believe that I am sitting alone in my car getting high. What the hell is wrong with me? When I would do it with Kelly I never felt like it was such a horrible thing. But as I sit here alone, on a dark quiet road in my car I don't get any pleasure from it at all. I just feel pathetic.

My phone has been ringing constantly since I left my house, but I haven't had the courage to answer it. I grab it and look to see who is calling this time. Nathan. I take a deep breath and decide to answer it. I'm going to need someone to come get me anyways, I don't want to drive stoned, and I don't want to sleep in my car.

"Hello." He doesn't say anything at first, I am sure that he is shocked that I actually answered the phone. I don't say anything either, I don't really know what I can say. Sorry I climbed out my window to get high sounds a little ridiculous.

"Are you okay? Where are you? Why the hell haven't you answered your phone! We have all been worried sick?" I listen to all the questions he has for me and the reality of all that I have done lately starts to sink in. I cannot believe what I have let myself become. I'm failing classes, skipping school, and I got arrested.

"Nathan, look you have every right to yell at me, but I think it would be better if you do it in person. I really need someone to come and get me."

"From jail again?" I can't help but let out a laugh as he asks me this. I doubt he finds it funny.

"No Nathan, I'm just sitting in my car, but I don't think I should drive." I tell him where I am and he says that he and Brooke are coming to get me. I can't believe how completely screwed up I am. The silence starts to get to me so I turn on my radio. As the music fills the car I can't help singing along.

I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me

I'm my own worst enemy

It's bad when you annoy yourself

So irritating

Don't wanna be my friend no more

I wanna be somebody else

I haven't heard this song in such a long time. Back when it first came out me and Tina used to listen to it on the radio and belt out the words. It was one of our favorite songs. That feels like a lifetime ago.

_"I can't believe that your mom got you the new Pink CD. I am so jealous." Tina smiled at me as I went on and on._

_"Well that's nothing new. You have always been jealous of me." I fake laughed at her lame joke and squealed in excitement as my favorite song came on._

_"I love this song. Tina, we have to dance to it." I jumped onto her couch and grabbed a remote to use as a microphone. She jumps on the couch with me and spends the rest of the afternoon dancing and singing like we are superstars._

The song ends and I shut off the radio. I don't want to hear any more music anyways. I close my eyes and lean my head back waiting for Nathan to come and take me home. My mind drifts back to the last time I listened to this song.

_"Oh my God! Haley, it's our favorite song!" I laugh as she turns up the radio and instantly starts dancing around like we are twelve years old again. I start singing along as loud as I can._

_"Wow, you two are probably the coolest seventeen year olds ever." We both stop dancing and turn to look at Tina's older brother Chris. He can be such an ass._

_"Sorry we can't be as cool as you." Tina puts her hands on her hips ready to fight him. "Some of us can have fun without being surrounded by a cloud of smoke." Chris' only response is the middle finger as he leaves the room. "God my brother is such a tool. I would much rather be dancing to Pink than off somewhere getting high out of my mind." I nod in agreement._

_"Yeah Tina, we are waaaaaay cooler than that." She gives a satisfied smile and turns the music up louder._

I'm pulled out of my thoughts when Nathan taps on my window. I unlock the doors and get out of the car. I instantly give him a huge hug, which thankfully he reciprocates. Brooke is standing behind him and she looks like she is about to cry. I walk over to her but before I have the chance to say anything she slaps me across the face.

"That is for making me worry about you." Before the shock even settles in she is pulling me into a hug. "And this is because I still love you." I melt into my best friends arms and just let her hold me.

"Thank you so much for coming to get me you guys. I think I'm pretty much okay now, but I didn't want to take a chance and drive." Brooke pulls out of the hug and offers me a small smile. Nathan doesn't say anything.

Brooke gets into my car to drive it back to my house and I get into Nathans car with him. He still hasn't said a word to me. "Are you ever going to say anything?" He looks over at me but still doesn't say a word. I let out an aggravated sigh.

"I don't know what to say to you Haley. I can't even tell you how worried I was about you when I had to go bail you out of jail earlier today, but this….I just don't even know

how to react to this." I wish I had words to explain what was going on with me. I want so badly to make him understand, but the truth is that I don't even understand it myself.

Neither one of us says anything for the rest of the car ride. There are no words that can fix this now anyways. The three of us walk into my house and I am surprised to see that Peyton, Lucas, Teresa, and Jake all stuck around to wait for me. By this point I don't feel any of the effects of what I smoked earlier, and I am ready to have a conversation about all of this.

The looks on everyone's faces as I walk in the room make me want to burst into tears. They all look so worried and so concerned. I hate that I am the reason that they have to feel like this. No one says a word as I sit down in an empty chair. They all just stare at me. I guess I should be the first one to say something.

"I don't know what to say to you guys. I am so sorry that I just bailed and left you all here to worry about me." They all look to afraid to say anything back to me. Brooke is the first one that gets the courage to talk.

"Hales, you don't need to apologize, there is nothing you can do to change the past. You need to promise us that this is going to stop. I mean drugs? Are you serious, I never thought that you would get caught up in stuff like this?" I know that she is right. I have already decided that I won't let myself do them again, it's not like I need them. But hearing her say those words I can't help but feel the need to defend myself.

"I know it was stupid Brooke. But I just felt like I needed them, like that was the only way that I was ever going to feel completely happy again." I can tell by the looks on everyone's faces that they don't understand it. I know they want to, but there is a good chance that they never will. "But I promise you, all of you, that I am done with that. I don't want to be that girl anymore."

I can see the skepticism in their eyes, and I really can't blame them. I haven't really been myself lately and I'm sure that it is hard to believe me. Nathan walks over to me and kneels down in front of me so that he is at eye level with me. He holds my hand and I have a very uneasy feeling in my stomach.

"Haley. We all believe that you want to get better, that you want to stop using drugs. But at this point, we just aren't sure that you wanting to stop is going to be enough. I mean you have been doing them for weeks almost daily. You got arrested today and that didn't stop you from climbing out a second story window to go smoke alone in your car. We all think that you need help to stop doing this." He pauses and looks at me. I can't meet his eyes. I look at all the faces in the room and realize what this is. An intervention. "I love you Haley. And I just want to see you get back to who you used to be. I think that it will help you a lot if you get some…professional help."

The words hit me like a ton of bricks and I feel the tears form in my eyes. I can't believe that they don't trust that I will stop. They want to send me away.

"What? You mean that you want to send me to some creepy place where they watch my every move? How is sending me away to be with strangers going to help me?" I let go of Nathans hand and stand up to head for the door. Brooke and Lucas step in front of me to stop me from leaving. Brooke rubs my shoulder gently as she talks to me.

"Hales. We all love you and we just want you to get better. But you can't do it by yourself, you need to get help. We are doing this because of how much we care about you." I shake her hand off of me and glare at her. If they really cared they would want to help me themselves, not send me away just so they don't have to deal with me.

"Whatever Brooke. You can't make me go." I realize that there is no way I can push past both Brooke and Luke to get out the front door so I head towards the kitchen so I can use that door to get the hell out of here. No one stops me.

I am bawling as I am about to step in the kitchen. I look up surprised to see two people standing there that I never thought would be here. My parents. I turn and to look at my so-called friends that by this point are all standing up and looking at me with sad eyes.

"You called my parents? Why would you do that? Do you honestly think that this will help me?" I turn around and try to walk past my parents to get away from all these people, but they do something that surprises me. They both pull me into a hug and I just stand there in the kitchen shocked.

I have waited for years for them to care enough about me to just be there for me. I have spent so many days crying by myself wishing that my mom would just pull me into a hug and tell me it would all be okay.

Both my parents are whispering that they love me. My mom is telling me that they are here for me that they always will be. I can't believe that after all these years I finally got my parents to care about me. I melt into my parents arms and just let them hold me. Everyone else comes into the kitchen slowly, like they are afraid to approach me. Soon they are all hugging me, and even though tears are streaming down my face I have never felt safer in my life.

After talking with my parents we decided that the best way for me to deal with what I am doing is to go to a rehab center. Hopefully I won't have to be there long, but I need to figure out what it is that triggers my drug use so that I can make sure I stop using for good.

As much as I want to get better, I am terrified to have to go to a rehab center. I'm sure that soon everyone at school will know about it. I have to leave soon, and I really don't want to go, but I know I need to. Even though I love that parents were here for me to help with this, I refuse to let myself get my hopes up about finally having a good relationship with them. But this is definitely a step in the right direction.

"Haley, Nathan is here to say goodbye." I nod at my mom and grab my bag and head downstairs. Brooke and Luke and all of them came by earlier to tell me they loved me and promise that they would visit if I wanted them too.

"Hey Nate." He walks over to me and instantly pulls me into a hug. I wish that we could stay like this forever. He kisses the top of my head and I want to cry. I promised myself that I would make it through all of this without tears.

"I love you Hales. I just want you to get better." I pull out of the hug to give him a kiss. He gently touches the necklace I am wearing that he gave me. 'Think of me whenever you look at this."

"I will always be thinking about you. I love you Nathan. I'm going to beat this. I promise." He gives me a smile and nods. We stand like that until I hear my mom tell me it's time to go. She puts her arm around me as Nathan leaves. My dad puts my bag in the car and gives me a hug. He isn't coming with me and my mom, which doesn't surprise me.

"I love you Haley." He says the words timidly, and I think that it is the first time I can remember my dad saying that to me.

"I love you too dad." He pulls me into one more hug and I swear I could see tears forming in his eyes. As much as this whole situation sucks, I have waited my whole life to feel like my dad actually cared about me.

The car ride to the rehab center is quiet. I am too busy thinking about everything that has happened in my life that made me end up here to talk. Me and my mom say our goodbyes and I walk into the center that I will be staying at until someone tells me I'm normal again.

It is a rehab center for teens, so at least I will be surrounded by kids my age. Once I get there I find out that it is not just a drug rehab, there are girls there for eating disorders, and kids there for intentionally harming themselves. I am told that every night I will have to attend a group meeting where everyone talks about their own personal problem. I don't have to talk until I am ready.

I walk into the room and nervously play with the necklace that I have worn every day since Nathan gave it to me. Everyone else here already knows each other, and I feel like a complete outsider. I walk over to the circle of chairs and don't know where to sit. This whole situation is so overwhelming.

"Haley?" I hear someone say my name and turn around shocked that anyone here would know me. As soon as I see my jaw literally drops open. I haven't seen him in two years, and I was fine with never seeing him again.

"Kyle." He offers me a smile and I just stare at him. I don't want to talk to him so I walk over to an empty chair and sit down. Clearly he doesn't get the message because he sits down next to me. Before either of us has a chance to say anything I hear the woman in charge tell everyone to take a seat so we can get started. As everyone goes around the circle and says why they are in rehab I sit in silence and pray that soon I will be able to go home and forget all of this ever happened.

A/N: Thank you for reading my story! I hope that you liked it! Please let me know what you thought about it, good? bad? I love to get feedback on my writing. I will update as soon as I can.


	21. Countless Confessions

A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews! I love to read the feedback on my story! Sorry that it took so long for me to update..I had finals and didn't have time, it won't take me that long to update next time. thanks for reading!

Chapter 21 – Countless Confessions

I close my eyes begging sleep to come but knowing that it is useless. I have been in this rehab center for two weeks and tomorrow is the first day that I am allowed to have visitors. Nathan called to assure me that he would be there. I am so excited to see him, two weeks is much too long to go without him.

I made it through the detox period, which was harder than I thought it would be. I guess I was more dependent on drugs that I thought I was. I still haven't found the courage to say anything in the group meetings. I barely talk in my private sessions either. My therapist keeps telling me that the sooner I can work through what made me turn to drugs in the first place, the sooner I can go home. Every day I walk into her office ready to tell her what she needs to hear, but as soon as I sit down on the couch I lose my nerve and sit in silence.

As excited as I am to see Nathan, I'm nervous too. I have never told him anything about Kyle, and now that I am in this center with him, I feel like Nathan should know. I doubt I will have the nerve to get into the whole story tomorrow though. Nathan and I have talked on the phone almost every day, and I wanted so badly to talk to him about Kyle, but I am so scared of what his reaction will be. When I told Brooke that Kyle was in here with me she couldn't believe it. But she thinks it will be a good chance for me to deal with all of the emotions that went along with my night with Kyle.

I didn't really want to talk to him, seeing him just brought up all of the pain that I thought I had dealt with. It turns out I just buried it. He clearly wanted to talk to me, but for over a week I skillfully avoided him. I was less than thrilled when he came into my room a couple nights ago and refused to leave until I talked to him.

_"Haley, I'm not really sure why you are avoiding me. I thought we were cool." I look at him and roll my eyes. Boys can be so clueless._

_"Seriously? You thought that after you slept with me even though you had a girlfriend, something you never mentioned to me, that we would be cool? Are you kidding?" He looks surprised that I am angry, and honestly I'm surprised that I have carried this anger around with me for so long. But he was the first guy I slept with, the first guy I really liked, and the first guy that broke my heart. And that was something that I never could seem to get past._

_"That was like two years ago Haley! How can you still be mad about it?" I look at him in disbelief._

_"Because this is the first time that I have actually talked to you since then. I never had to see you after it happened, and I guess that it was easy for me to just pretend that it didn't happen. But seeing you here again, I just realized that I never dealt with any of the emotions that went along with it." He looks at me and his face softens, I can tell that he is genuinely sorry that I am so upset, but that doesn't make me feel any better._

_"Look, I was a total dick back then, and I know that I should have told you that I had a girlfriend. But I'm different know Haley. I am really sorry that it hurt you so much. I never realized that it even meant anything to you." I look at him with tears in my eyes and want to tell him what an ass he is. That of course it meant something to me, that it was my first time and I thought that it was going to be a beautiful special moment when all it really was was a letdown._

_"I really liked you Kyle and it never even occurred to me that all that it was going to be was one night. Obviously it's partly my fault because I fell for everything you said, and I let myself believe that I was more to you than just some girl who was willing to lie down and open her legs."_

_"Haley, you were more to me than that, but I had a girlfriend, and I thought that all you wanted was a hook up. Before that party you had hardly even talked to me, and I had a crush on you for a long time before that, so when you came up to me and acted all flirty I was excited and I didn't even think about my girlfriend. I'm sure that's horrible but it's the truth." I can't even describe what I was feeling when he said that. He liked me? I can't believe it._

_"You liked me?"_

_"Yeah, Haley, I really liked you. And Holly and I were never that serious anyway, it was just for fun. I wanted more than just one night with you but whenever you would see me after that night, you would completely ignore me."_

_"Of course I ignored you! You used me to cheat on your girlfriend and then you never called me or talked to me again after that. That night meant so much more to me than you can understand. It was my first time, and that night, you were so nice and caring. I felt so completely safe in your arms, and when you looked into my eyes you melted my heart. That one night was perfect. It was all the stuff afterwards that sucked. It was finding out that you had a girlfriend that crushed me. It was when Tina called me a slut for sleeping with you that destroyed me. It was the next time I walked by you, how you looked right through me like you didn't even know me that crushed my heart." I am bawling at this point. This is the first time that I have said all of this out loud. I never thought that I would have the chance to tell Kyle how much he hurt me. It feels so good to say it all to him._

_I waited for him to say something. During this whole conversation he was sitting in a chair in my room while I sat on my bed, but now he got up and sat down next to me on my bed. He grabbed my hand in his and as much as my mind was screaming at me to pull it away I couldn't. I needed the comfort. He turned my head to face his and whispered, "I'm sorry." I nodded my head slowly desperate to break out of the intensity of this moment. He leaned in and I knew that he was going for a kiss, he looked into my eyes, and as I stared back into his green eyes, I realized that I much preferred blue eyes now._

_I quickly dropped his hand and stood up. My hand immediately went to my necklace as I thought about Nathan and how much I love him._

_"I'm sorry Kyle, I have a boyfriend, and unlike you, I'm going to stay faithful to him." He doesn't say anything he just sits on my bed like he is expecting me to change my mind. "I think I can forgive you for everything that happened in the past, but we don't have any type of future. I think that you should go now." I open my door and stand there waiting for him to leave. As he walks through the doorway he turns to me._

_"You know, I had no idea that I was your first, and honestly, if I had known that you wanted more than just one night, I would have broken up with Holly in a heartbeat for you." He leans over and kisses my cheek before he walks out of my room._

_I close the door and sit down on my bed thinking over everything he said to me. If I had known all of this two years ago, things might be different, but it's too late now. Even though Kyle will always a have place in my heart, I love Nathan._

The sun shines brightly into my room and I wake up slowly. I barely got any sleep last night; all I could think about was whether or not I should tell Nathan about Kyle. I decided that while I think he should know, I am just going to wait until I am out of here to tell him.

I look at the clock and see that it's already 8 o'clock. I have to get moving if I am going to have time to shower and eat breakfast before Nathan gets here.

"Good morning." I turn to see my roommate Rachel standing in front of the mirror in her bra and a part of shorts analyzing every inch of her body. She is an absolutely beautiful girl, but she is in here to deal with her anorexia, and while she has been eating fairly regularly lately, she still obsesses about how she looks all the time.

"Morning Rach, you are looking beautiful as always." She rolls her eyes at me and walks over to her closet to pick out an outfit. Rachel and I clicked instantly and it is great to have her here. She is the only person here who I really talk to about my problem. She is great at listening, and of course I return the favor. "You're coming with me to breakfast after I shower, right?" She glances down at her body and I see hesitation flicker through her eyes, but in the end she nods and gives me a vibrant smile.

I take a sip of my coffee and watch as Rachel picks at her food. She does better with every meal, but she still isn't eating enough. I wish she could see that she could see how beautiful she is. She takes a small bite of her toast and looks at me.

"You look nice today Hales. Is it because the boyfriend is coming to visit? I mean, you even put make-up on!" I blush a little as she pokes fun at me. She is right though, I don't usually put much effort into my appearance here, but today I straightened my hair, carefully picked out my outfit and actually took the time to put on makeup. I want to look good the first time Nate sees me.

Kyle walks past the table and smiles at me. I offer a small smile back but don't say anything, I still feel a little bit awkward every since that night in my room. It was good that I finally got to talk to him about everything, I feel like I actually can move on from it now.

"So are you going to tell Nathan about the conversation you had with Kyle?"

"Well, considering the fact that he doesn't know anything about me and Kyle, I'm going to have to say no." Rachel looks at me surprised.

"I thought that you had been dating him for like three months. You guys haven't talked about past relationships and stuff yet?"

"I guess not. I mean, he's Nathan Scott, everyone at Tree Hill High knows his history with girls, and so I never had to ask him. And most people don't think that I have much of a history so he probably doesn't know that there is much to tell." She rolls her as at me in a playful way.

"Haley, you have to tell him eventually about Kyle, you don't want him to hear it from someone else." I nod my head in agreement, but am not very worried about it considering that not many people know.

"So Rach, is anyone coming to see you today?" She looks at her mostly full tray of food and shakes her head.

"Naw. My parents couldn't be happier to be rid of me, and my friends and I were never that close, we kind of just hung out because it was convenient since we were all cheerleaders." I offer her a sad smile, she can be a little harsh sometimes, but she is such a good person and she doesn't deserve all the shit she is going through.

"Well, you have me now, and unfortunately for you, you can't get rid of me." She laughs and we finish eating out breakfasts.

I nervously play with my necklace as I wait for Nathan to come. He called me a little while ago to tell me he would be here soon. As excited as I am to see him I am a scared too. I am doing so well here, and I really want him to see that I am doing better. But even though I am obviously not using any drugs in here, I know that I haven't really worked through my issues and dealt with what triggers my want to use drugs in the first place.

"Haley!" I take a deep breath and turn around to see Nathan walking up to me with a huge smile on his face. He pulls me into a hug and I can't believe how good it feels to be in his arms again. I capture his lips on mine; desperate to taste him again, two weeks is too long to be without him.

Nathan and I walk to my room and sit down on my bed. Neither one of us really says anything at first. I don't really know how to start. Luckily for us Rachel comes bursting into the room.

"Oh, hey Hales. Sorry, I didn't know that Nathan was already here. I'll just grab my iPod and leave you guys alone." She offers me a wink and I roll my eyes playfully at her.

"Nate, this is my friend and roommate Rachel, and Rach, this is my boyfriend Nathan." They exchange pleasantries and Rachel leaves the room, but not before mouthing, 'he's cute' to me.

"So, how are you doing Hales?" Nathan is lying down on my bed at this point, and I lay down next to him and rest my head on his chest as he wraps his arm around me. It feels so good, so safe to be with him again.

"I'm doing okay." I don't know what else to say about. He knows that I don't talk in group or private sessions. I talk to him every day on the phone, so he is mostly caught up on everything that is going on with me. "I really want to talk in therapy; I just have trouble finding the words."

"I am so proud of you. No matter how much time you need to I will be waiting for you when you get out of here." I smile up at him and let out a sigh of relief. Losing Nathan would absolutely kill me. "So guess who finally got back together last night?" I let a huge smile cross my face.

"Brooke and Luke?" He nods and I let out an excited squeal. They had been dancing around getting back together for weeks now and we were all just waiting for them to realize that they are perfect for each other. "It's about time." Nathan laughs and we settle into a comfortable silence. I just want to soak up every minute that I have with him before he has to leave.

As we lay here just enjoying being with each other I want desperately to tell him about Kyle. But how do I start something like that? I keep thinking about it in my head, I can't decide if Nathan really needs to know about him or not. We haven't had the conversation about our pasts, mostly because I don't need to here the list of girls that Nathan Scott has been with.

"What's on your mind babe?" I sit up and look into Nathans captivating blue eyes and decide that I need to tell him. There is no way I can move on from the hurt of the past if I don't talk about it.

"I have to tell you about something that happened two years ago. And I would really appreciate it if you try not to judge me for it. Remember, its in the past." He sits up too and I can see that he is worried about what I will tell him. Not that I blame him, the last secret that I let slip from my past was about Tina.

"You can tell me anything Haley." He grabs my hand and squeezes it. "I love you." I take a deep breath and prepare myself to tell him about the night that I can't seem to escape.

"Okay. Please just let me get through this, you can say whatever you need to say after I'm done." He nods his head and waits for me to continue. "So we have never really had the conversation about past relationships and things like that, so there wasn't a time that I really could bring this up before." I try and think of how to say it to him. I know that he really shouldn't judge me for my past, but I'm so scared that he will. "Well there was this guy, Kyle, who I had a crush on for awhile, and I was drunk and at a party and I finally got the nerve to go after him. We ended up sleeping together that night, and the next day I found out that he had a girlfriend. And the whole situation caused problems with me and Tina. I never talked to him again; I was so hurt and upset about it. I never really dealt with all of the emotions from that night, and that was part of what was pushing me to do drugs." I somehow find the courage to look into Nathan's eyes.

He leans over and plants a soft kiss on my lips. "I love you Haley. And while I am a little surprised to hear that story; that is your past. I would never hold that against you." I can't help the tears that start to stream down my face. Nathan pulls me over to him and wraps his arms around me. "It's okay Hales."

"There's a little bit more Nate." He loosens his hold on me so that I can lean back and look into his eyes as a talk to him. "Kyle is in here. I talked to him a couple of nights ago about what happened between us. I needed to yell at him and hear his side. It was the only way that I could finally put it all behind me." Nathan doesn't say anything at first, and I can't read his emotions. After what seems like a lifetime he stands up to pace the room and he finally talks.

"He's in here?" I nod silently. "And you talked to him. Do you still have feelings for him?" He isn't angry or anything, he is just asking completely calmly.

"No. I don't have any feelings for him. He is just a part of my past." I stand up and take Nathans hand in mine. "You are my future Nathan. I just wanted to be honest with you about all of this." Nathan looks down at me but doesn't say anything. "I love you Nathan."

"I love you too." Those words have never sounded as good as they do right now. He leans down to give me a kiss. "So do you want me to hit him?" He says it like he's joking but I can tell that he would do it in a heartbeat if I gave him permission.

We spent the rest of the afternoon just enjoying each other's company, and after telling Nathan about Kyle and my past I felt so much better. It felt great to be honest with him. It was hard to say goodbye to him, but I know that soon I will be able to leave here and be with him every day.

I sat in my usually seat in the circle of chairs and waited patiently as we slowly went around the circle, each person saying what they wanted to say. It came to my turn, and the therapist leading the group session looked at me.

"Anything you would care to say Haley?" She didn't expect me to talk, I had never talked before. Not one word. Normally I would just shake my head and sit in silence, waiting for it to be over so I could go back to my room. Today was different though.

"Yes." Her eyebrows rose in shock and as I quickly looked around the circle I saw everyone was paying attention to me now, waiting to see what I was here for. I looked at Rachel and she offered me an encouraging smile. "My name is Haley James, and I am here because I was using drugs." That was all that I planned on saying but as soon as I started talking the words started flowing out of me. "Almost a year ago my best friend was killed in a car accident. I was in the car with her…." I could hear myself telling this group of strangers every detail of myself that led to my dependence on drugs. I went through all of the details. "…and I want to get better. I don't want to ever use drugs again. I just want to be the girl I was before I let all the tragedy dictate my life."

I sit through the rest of the group session with a smile on my face. I am going to get back to normal. For the first time in a long time I truly believe that everything is going to be okay.

A/N: Thanks so much for reading my story! please take a minute and submit a review to let me know what you thought! I love to get any type of feedback! I will update as soon as possible!


	22. Buried Memories

Chapter 22 – Buried Memories

"Surprise!" I jumped back as I stepped through the front door of Karen's Cafe and found all of my friends waiting for me with huge grins on their faces. They even decorated with some balloons and streamers. It felt so good to be home. Rehab was definitely necessary but I missed being home with all of my friends. The only sad part was leaving Rachel. I did promise her that I would visit her next week. The two months I spent in therapy seemed so long when I was in there, but now that I'm back home I feel like I never left. My therapist at rehab warned me not to get so caught up in being home and having my normal life back that I just disregard all the progress I made.

_"Haley I know that you are very excited to go home and go back to school with all of your friends, but I want you to promise me that you will keep seeing a therapist at least once a week. It is very important that you don't allow yourself to relapse. You don't want to end up back here." I nodded my head._

_"I am not going to end up back in here. I want to be better. I am going to be better." She gave me a big smile._

_"Well I guess that we have nothing left to discuss Haley. Your last session with me is officially over. Congratulations." Even though she was clearly excited with all the progress that I had made I couldn't help feeling that maybe I'm not ready to go home yet._

"So then Katie sneezed and the entire pyramid tumbled down. It was like raining cheerleaders." I laughed along with Jake as he filled me in one how three cheerleaders ended up injured and unable to stay on the squad. Brooke was not amused.

"Okay Jake, that's enough with that stupid story already. Besides, now that Haley is back we are only two girls short." She offers me a big smile and I give her a weak one as I try and figure out how to tell her that I am not going to be on the squad anymore. I shift in the booth uncomfortably not wanting to get into this in front of all our friends at Karen's Café. I don't really have a choice though.

"Actually Brooke, I don't think that I really want to be a cheerleader anymore. It was a lot of fun, but I just don't really have time to do it anymore."

"Oh, because you have so many other important things that you need to be doing. Seriously Hales, what could you possibly have to do right after school?" I roll my eyes at her assumption that there is nothing else that I could possibly have to do.

"Well. For starters I am going to be going to therapy three days a week. Its kind of important, since, you know, I'm a recovering drug abuser who wants to stay clean." I say it with a lot more edge than I mean to. I don't even know what it was that made me so upset. I can tell from the look on Brooke's face that I hurt her feelings. She quietly tells everyone that she is going to go order some fries.

There is silence in the booth as she leaves. Its like no one dares to say anything to me. Except Nathan.

"Wow hales, you didn't have to be so harsh about it. We all missed you. She just wants to spend some time with you." I roll my eyes at him.

"You know what Nate; I don't really give a shit that I hurt her feelings." Something inside of me snapped and I was pissed. I didn't even notice that Brooke was back as I was talking to Nathan until she spoke.

"God Haley why are you being such a bitch?"

"Oh jeez Brooke I don't know. Maybe because I am sick of all of you pretending like everything is fine now, like that since I finished rehab it means that I am fine and can go back to being your little tag along friend who does whatever you want. You know what. I don't really want to be here right now. So I guess I will see you all later." I don't give anyone a chance to respond to me. I never meant to take my anger out on them. I seem to have a lot of anger lately, which was a big part of my therapy.

_"it's normal to be angry when you lose someone Haley. Losing Tina was unfair and horrible and you have a right to be angry. You just need to let that out in healthy ways."_

_It was only the third session that I had talked in and all we ever did was talk about Tina and I was so sick of it._

_"You know what? Maybe not every single problem that I have is because of Tina. Maybe just maybe this could just be about me? Do you think that is possible? I am so sick of everyone blaming Tina for who I became. It's not her fault okay? Its mine. All of the shit that happened to me is my own damn fault." I left therapy early that day. I had nothing else to say._

_I stormed into my room and slammed down onto my bed. That damn therapist was such a pain in my ass. I am so fricken sick and tired of talking about Tina._

_"So therapy went well today?" I offer a grunt to Rachel and let out an angry sigh. "Want to talk about it?" I don't say anything and she quietly occupies herself by tidying up her side of the room. After almost an hour I finally calm down and say something._

_"I don't think I can ever be normal again." I sit up on my bed as I say it and Rachel stops what she is doing and looks at me. She doesn't say anything but softly nods her head urging me to continue. "Not because of the drugs though. I mean it's been over a year now since Tina died and I feel like I have barely made any progress at all. That just can't be normal."_

_"Haley, I don't think that there is any normal way to deal with this."_

_"That's what everybody says, that it's hard, that there is no right way to deal with this, but I just feel like at a certain point I am just being pathetic. I mean I know that I will always miss her, and every year on the anniversary of her death I will be a mess, but it just shouldn't be controlling my life like it is anymore." Rachel comes over and sits next to me on my bed. She wraps her arm around my shoulder and lets my head fall on her shoulder as I try to hold back the tears._

_"Hales, it's going to be okay. It's good that you are talking about this. Wanting to get past this is a great first step. I mean, I used to feel the same way about my anorexia. I let it control my life to the point where it was the only thing in my life that I even cared about. Just like you I lost my friends and just completely isolated myself." This was the first time the she talked to me about her anorexia and I wasn't really sure what to say. "But I hit rock bottom, I got sent here, and slowly but surely I am coming to terms with the fact that this can't control my life, and that eating more than 200 calories a day is a good thing. I've been here for over a year now Haley. There is no time limit on how long you need to get back to some sort of normal." I pull her into a big hug and can't help but letting a few tears fall as I see her tear stained face._

_"Thanks Rach. I am so glad that you are my roommate. Seriously I don't think that I could get through this without you."_

As I walk into school on my first day back I try to ignore all of the kids staring at me. Tree Hill is a small town and I am sure that everyone knows all about my stint at rehab. Its times like these that I really wish Rachel were here with me. As much as I love all of my friends at home, Rachel seemed to really understand a lot of what I was going through and she was a great shoulder to lean on. I just hate to think of her still stuck at that rehab without me.

"Hey Hales." I turn to look at Brooke and offer her a smile. I was way too harsh on all of them the other day and I definitely owe them apologizes.

"Brooke, I'm kind of surprised that you are talking to me after how I treated you the other day. I am really sorry that I was such a mega bitch to you." She gives me a smile and pulls me into a hug.

"Normally I would stay mad at you for a while to punish you, but I have a feeling that the gossiping teens at tree hill high are going to do it for me." I give a small laugh but secretly can't help but be a little afraid at what to expect from my classmates today. "C'mon we can walk to class together."

I feel grateful to have Brooke at my side but it doesn't do much to silence the gossiping voices. By fourth period I've had enough of the whispers and ridiculous gossip about me and decide that I need to take my lunch off campus today. Luckily I have a free period that used to be for tutoring after lunch so I have plenty of time. I text Nathan telling him that I have to meet some teachers to set up catch up work and won't be at the cafeteria today. I don't even want to think about where his mind would go if I didn't show up. A little white lie is better than telling him where I am really going. No way he would just let me go alone with no questions asked, and lately I am so tired of coming up with answers.

I get to my car and take a deep breath trying to clear my head. I don't have any real desire to get high but the stress of today reminds me why I liked it so much. No Haley, don't even go there. I can hear my therapists words echo in my head "escaping reality can only work for so long, eventually the real world comes to get you and you have to face up to your problems." Annoyingly I believe those words so instead of lighting up I have to settle for some simple deep breaths.

There is one person that I have never faced up to, one person who knows the me that Tina knew. He tried to talk to me after everything happened. I always thought that he wanted to tell me that it was all my fault, to tell me that he hated me, but all the conversations in therapy during rehab made me wonder. Maybe he wasn't reaching out to me for me, maybe it was for him.

_"I've noticed that when you tell the good memories of Tina that her older brother Chris seems to be somehow involved in most of them. Have you kept in contact with him after Tina passed away?" I roll my eyes at her careful therapy phrasing of Tina's death. I don't know why people think that 'passed away' makes it easier to swallow than died. It all means the same thing, she's gone._

_"No. We haven't talked since before the accident. That night actually he was there when we were getting ready. He was trying to get me and Tina to join him and some friend of his in the bowl they were smoking. We passed of course. I never did anything like that then." She silently nodded as she always did when she wanted to me to keep talking. "It wasn't anything out of the ordinary for him. He was always high. And he was always trying to get me and Tina in on it. He kept saying that it would change our whole perspective. At the time I thought that he was just smoking and didn't fully understand why Tina was so freaked out. But looking back I see the obvious signs that he was into more. I had never done more than drink then and didn't realize there were different kinds of high. I don't know exactly what he did but it wasn't just weed. No way." She smiles and I know that she I have said something worth further discussion. Great._

_"Would you say that you were friends with Chris? Or was he just Tina's stoner older brother?" I don't know why this would matter, but I answer anyways._

_"Chris was more than just her older brother. He was my friend too. He was almost like an older brother to me too. He could be a dick sometimes but he was always there for Tina, and me, if we ever needed him."_

_"Hmm. That's interesting."_

She didn't say anything else about him and instead changed the subject to how I've been doing with my sobriety. I couldn't understand why she brought him just to drop the subject like that. But ever since that day I can't help but feel him creeping into my mind. I wonder if he still does drugs, if he hates me for what happened, if he has found any way to move on after losing his little sister.

I haven't seen him since her funeral, and even there I carefully avoided him. It wasn't hard, he was constantly surrounded by people and since none of her other friends really knew me I could stay safely on the outside of the crowd. We didn't speak but I still remember the look he gave me when I slipped and made eye contact with him. His eyes were so lost and hollow and the way he stared at me it was like he was begging for something. I never could figure out what.

I start my car as I think about all of the voicemails he left me right after it happened. Telling me he needed to talk and telling anecdotes about Tina, about how much he missed her. Then eventually they dwindled into simple messages saying 'call me' or 'I hope you are doing okay', before he finally gave up on me all together.

I force myself to start driving before I change my mind. For so long I made myself block Chris out of my mind, not ready to face him when Tina was gone. But he is the only person who truly saw my closeness with Tina, and maybe he is the one person who will understand what I am going through. I pull up to his frat house and walk cautiously up to the door. He probably won't even want to see me. I knock and tell the faceless frat bro that answers who I am looking for and wait while he gets Chris for me. My breath catches in my throat as we lock eyes while he walks towards me. This was a bad idea.

Chris looks me up and down before he steps out on the front step where I am standing and pulls me into a hug. Maybe this was a good idea.

"Haley. I knew you'd come around eventually." I breathe in his familiar scent and can't stop the memory of the last time I spoke to him.

_"Haley. Are you awake? Can you hear me?" I debate whether or not I should open my eyes. I haven't been able to say a word since my dad stumbled through the news that Tina was gone. I decide to pretend to sleep and hear him sit down in the chair next to my bed. For what seemed like an eternity the only sounds I can hear are the sounds of doctors and nurses rushing around the hallway trying to keep the patients in the rooms near mine alive. Finally he spoke. "I guess you are really out, I thought maybe you were pretending, like you used to do when you and Tina had your sleepovers and you stayed up trying to spy on me and my friends" His voice catches as he says her name. "I just wanted to see you, to talk to you. I can't believe she's gone Haley. Its just not real. I..uh I" He starts to cry and it takes everything in me to stay calm, I don't want him to know that I am awake. "I just wanted to see that you were okay. Tina would be so happy to know that you are okay." I can't help the tears that start to stream down my face. How can he possibly care about my well being when his sister is gone? And Tina would not be happy, she can't be, because she isn't here anymore._

_"I'm s-s-s-orry Chris." I can't even open my eyes as I say it. I don't want to see the look on his face right now. It would be too much. I hear him move over towards my bed and feel him grab my hand. I carefully open my eyes and look into his deep brown ones._

_"Shhh Haley. It's gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay."_

_We sat there for hours, him holding my hand telling me over and over that everything thing was okay as I tried over and over to tell him how sorry I was. I knew could understand how he could have been thinking about me when he lost his sister. I never let myself see him again after that, besides at her funeral. He should have hated me. I survived when Tina didn't. He should've wanted nothing to do with me._

I reached my arms up and hugged him back tightly. All the moments that he had hugged me like this before raced through my mind. When I was crying about Kyle and Tina was too angry with me to care he pulled me into a solid hug and let me cry. The times when my parents bailed on me after promising to make it to important life events he would give me a soft hug and a "We'll always be here for you Haley." And so many other countless times, sometimes cuz I was drunk and feeling touchy-feely, sometimes because he was high and grabbing everyone. This hug felt so familiar. If Tina were here she would be prying me out of his arms saying that I am her friend and that he can go find his own friend to maul.

"It is so good to see you Chris." I pull away and really take in his appearance for the first time. He looks so much older even though it's only been a little over a year. His hair is longer and his skin is tanner but he is still the same Chris. And he still looks so much like Tina.

"Wanna come inside?" I hesitate for a moment; it is all just so surreal to be standing here with him. I feel like I am waiting for Tina to come bursting through the door. But of course I know she won't be joining us today. I came here to see him, to find out what it is that he wanted to say all this time, to get some closure or at least to talk to someone who can understand why I am still so hurt. But something about this seems wrong. His eyes are glistening a little too much, his smile a little too wide. His familiar smell, such a sweet smell, finally placing in my mind as the smell of weed, and it still smells so good.

My phone vibrates in my pocket and I check it to see a text message from Nathan asking where I am. I glance at the time and realize I am supposed to be in Chemistry right now. First day back and I am already skipping classes. Not the best idea. I quickly right back that I went for a drive to clear my head and that I will see him later. I will give him the whole story later. Maybe.

I step into the house with Chris and his frat brother Marcus lets us know that if we wanna "puff the magic dragon" we should come to the basement in a few minutes. As much as I want to talk to Chris, this just isn't the right time. "You know what Chris, I think I should get back to school. I'll call you later and we can catch up." His face drops a little but he nods his head in understanding and as I leave I see him head towards the basements stairs. I guess he is the same Chris he always was. Maybe he isn't the best person for me to lean on right now.

My phone vibrates as I get into my car and I see another text from Nathan. "Want some company?" I smile as I reply back "Absolutely, meet me outside the school in twenty minutes."

I know I want to talk to Chris later, preferably when he isn't under the influence of anything, but right now what I need is Nathan. As I drive towards River Valley High I feel like for once I am making the right decision. Even though I know it's a one-day at a time process as my therapist loved to remind me, I am determined to let myself be happy in this moment. I can worry about tomorrow later.

My phone rings and I expect to see Nathan's name displayed across my caller ID but instead am surprised to see Chris's name.

"Hello?"

"Hey Haley. Since we didn't really get a chance to talk today when you came by I'm hoping you will want to meet up soon. I have something to give you."

"Yeah I'd love to catch up soon. But what could you have after all this time to give me?"

"I have a letter that Tina wrote to you before the accident. She never got around to mailing it. I thought you might want it."

"Yeah, um thanks. I'll call you later Chris." I quickly hang up the phone. A letter? It makes sense. Tina and I had a habit of writing each other letters that started after our first summer together at dance camp when we didn't have cell phones yet and computer time was limited. Plus there was just something so exciting about getting a letter in the mail. But what could her letter say? I can't even remember exactly what was going on in her life in the weeks right before the accident. The letters were where put the most personal details of our lives, it was just so much easier to pour out our souls with a pen and paper than on the phone or in a text. After all this time all I wanted was a chance to talk to her one more time and now I have the last words she will ever share with me. I don't know if I am ready for this. I guess I have no choice but to find out.

A/N: thanks for reading! Please review I'd appreciate it! I will update soon!


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